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YOU NEED THIS

YOUR DAY WILL COME 

The Comfort Stick gives whole new meaning to the Irish phrase – póg mo thóin. This amazing gadget will wipe and swipe and give you that inner glow you’ve been searching for all your life. It’s a magical wand that will remove the detritus in your life. My first reaction was to laugh, but then I realized how innovative this gadget was and essential for many people, one I will need sooner rather than later. However, I still can’t resist renaming it. I will be polite and use the Irish and Afrikaans translations. Respectively – Bata cac and Kak stok. 

Toilet Bowl Night Lights come in a choice of colours. Are they solar powered? No. Are they pee powered? That’s for me to know and you to find out. Ideal for those grope-in-the-dark, middle of the night moments, when you are half asleep. The colourful lights will bring your nether regions alive and ensure you don’t miss your aim. Tracy Emin, move over. Installation art takes a giant leap forward for mankind. 

Before I say goodbye to toilet humour, I am looking for investment for the laughing toilet. Guaranteed to make your bladder twitch and operate at high function.. 

BELT UP 

Thinking about new Apps as one does, I decided that an App that screams every time you overeat could be a winner, assuming you don’t hide your phone away. But with an enhanced feature of louder shrieking. like a toddler in full public tantrum that cannot be silenced – could work much better. However, Samsung’s belty which is connected to your smartphone will strangle your waist every time you overeat. Personally, I think the addition of a mouth clamp would be beneficial. 

Instead of a ‘belty’ you could have a ‘Pavlok’ wristband. This gadget will give you an unpleasant shock every time you do something that is not conducive to your wellbeing. You can control the strength of the zap. Be brave and set it on its most powerful zap. Erase your bad habits. The one side effect is that you will begin to swear every time it zaps you. 

Bearing in mind that you actually have to put these yokes on, there’s nothing to stop you taking them off when it suits you, so you’ll need another yoke to remind you. 

FOOL YOURSELF 

If you’ve ever watched Shark Tank you might have seen the lady looking for investment for a mirror that made you look slim and amazing. The USP (unique selling point was that it would give you confidence before you strode out the door and faced the world. If you thought you looked good externally then you felt good internally, a premise I won’t argue with. 

However, do we need a mirror that lies, or can you rely on your friends to tell you that you look amazing, even when you look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards? My suggestion is, leave your spectacles off when you look in the mirror. If you don’t wear spectacles, avoid the mirror. If you’re one of those people who always look well-groomed and snazzy, you don’t need this lying mirror. Your huge ego is sufficient. 

A CHANGING WORLD 

radio

I was raised in an era of watching black and white TV programmes (the few there were), on a cumbersome box that sat in the corner of the sitting room. The idea of this being replaced by slim and huge TV screens would have seemed far-fetched. Many homes now have Plasma TVs in almost every room in the house. Equally, the large wireless turned into a discreet and more fashionable item rather than a piece of furniture that needed regular spit and polish. I often tried to see inside in the belief that little people lived in it. And didn’t you just love that static? 

Streaming most likely meant you had a nasty cold. Sending or getting data is a normal part of our lives. Data was probably the first word uttered by babies and no-on realized how forward-thinking they were. 

Ipods -Touch, Shuffle, Nano, Classic, which all sound like ballroom dances, but can store thousands of songs, are as common as muck. Earbuds (not the cotton/plastic ones currently banned by the EU), decorate ears worldwide. Headphones are still popular. My nearest and dearest hubby (not that there’s another lurking), wears his daily.

Boasting flashing lights, built-in kettle, toaster and secretary, he doesn’t need a wife. I’ve been replaced by Wi-fi. Woe is me and woeful he’ll be if I have to repeat myself ten times. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not deaf, nor did Richard didn’t lose his heart in San Francisco. He traded in his ears for all things wireless and gadgetry. 

TAKE FLIGHT 

vintage car

Everyone has a favourite car or perhaps an image of the dream car they really want. In days gone by you may have been the proud owner of a wood-panelled car, and I mean wood on the outside, as well as inside. Cars have evolved so much with hands-free kit for your iphone, Satnav to tell you where you’re going, or a voice-activated GPS. That’s only the tip of the iceberg. You can zap the car doors open leaving your hands free to hold your coffee, water bottle and Prada man bag or handbag. Of course, it does have a built-in ‘zarf’. That’s a cupholder to the uninitiated. 

Now let your imagination take flight up into the skies where road traffic jams are as antiquated as a china chamber pot. Commute in style. Get an air taxi. The flying car is on its way and no doubt new cities in the sky. Personally, I would love a penthouse above the clouds with its own personal docking for my flying car. Just a million or so will buy you the ultimate car which can transform in just over two minutes to a hybrid car-aircraft. The Jetsuit is also appealing and a lot cheaper. The nearest I’ve got to being Superwoman is the zip-line in Las Vegas. 

MORE MORE MORE 

wallet

The smart wallet will keep all your bank cards safe and protect you against identity theft, but if Artful Dodger, or Oliver Twist are nearby, say goodbye to your wallet. It just isn’t that smart, unless it has ‘taser-ability’, and see how they run. Your phone will be safe as they won’t know what it is. You can buy cases to camouflage your phone. Make it look like a book and you’re sorted. No-one steals books or do they? Answers on a postcard to luvrealbooks. 

In a world that often scorns deep-fried chips, and cream cakes and full-fat anything edible, I would like to invite you to avail of the private dining experience. This retro cafe will remove all feelings of guilt as you and your pals enjoy the calorific chips that have that slight aroma of well-used oil. Tea will be served in large brown earthenware pots with a genuine cracked spout. Flies will hover over the sticky sugar bowl. 

The piece de resistance will be the real-cream, butter-laden, cakes and pastries that will give you weeks of sugar-high. Scoff and dribble to your heart’s delight. Tomorrow is another day!

Read my blog – My techno trials and tribulations !

I have written two novels available on Amazon

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helena

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Helena

My name is Helena Abrahams and I’m from the West of Ireland, where we currently live. I’ve been married to Richard for almost 40 years and. (Bravery award pending). We have 3 beautiful adult children, 2 sons and a daughter. They are the treasures in my kingdom.

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