This is an interview with an imaginary tourist in Ireland. I hope he or she is imaginary. I would be appalled if anyone took advantage of our lovely visitors, who buy loads of postcards and Irish souvenirs for their family and friends. Everyone needs a Leprechaun and a piece of turf stuck inside a bottle. 

‘Oh, wow! You bought me a gift. This is …. I’m lost for words.’  

The European Union has probably saved your pals’ stutters by banning little green men and turf-cutting. They really do spoil our fun. And forget finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The closest you’ll get to it is by doing the Irish Lotto, or getting a job in Dáil Éireann. And to reassure you, the Irish people are sophisticated and educated and can provide you with a cappuccino, a latte, americano, and a variety of teas that will make your palate dance, along with a mighty selection of bottled waters. Irish cows now produce almond, soy, rice, hemp and coconut milk. We’re working on the nut variety, but our cows are deficient in some areas. A Guiness cow would probably be more popular. So, folks, let’s have a bit of craic with our imaginary tourist.




Is this your first visit to Ireland?

Yes, except for Reykjavik. 

That’s Iceland. 

Oh…. Are you sure?

Well, it’s cold enough here so maybe that confused you. Tell me, have you learned a lot about Irish Culture on this visit to our Green Isle?.

Well, I know now that the president of Ireland is Trump. He bought your lovely island for a few million and he’s building a wall between you and Mexico. Your King is Michael Flatfoot. He used to be a dancer, but now he’s in the orthotic business. I went to Irish classes. I got a great deal, only 100 euro for 2 hours. Learnt loads. It was f…… mighty. 

You can’t say that. We’re live on TV. 

Oh mother of … sorry. It was grand. Our guide said all the F words were true bog Irish that’s spoken in … Let me think. In… in County Mara, Connie Mara? 

Was it Conamara?

That’s it and I think the other place was Done It All, Done Gal or something. The fella said we were privileged to learn the true bog Irish and this was the first class for tourists. Twas mighty, grand and f…… brilliant. He also took us to buy our duty free. Said if we bought it before we got to the airport there was no limit on how much alcohol or tobacco we could buy. I lashed it all onto the credit card.

Where did you buy it?

It was a mobile van. It even sold chips. 

You do know it will all be confiscated at the airport?

Not at all at all, a mhaicin. See I have the lingo. For an extra 40 euro it’s been shipped free of charge.

If you paid 40 euro that’s not free shipping.

Oh, the 40 euro was for packaging. I’m so excited. All my Xmas shopping was done in an hour.

They saw you coming. 


Did you do any sightseeing?

Of course. We had another  guide who spoke the real Irish, the one we learnt. He said the government paid him something called dole. Is that right? He was paid to show tourists all the sights. It was cheap. Only 200 and that included the minibus and a bag of chips. Isn’t the Irish government great for paying people to work tax free.

You paid 200 euro? What sights did you see?

Well, we were supposed to see the Cliffs of Mohair but he said the sheep, or was it goats, had eaten them away, and the eejits in Europe had banned visitors, so we saw a fillum instead. See I do know the lingo. And we saw Stonehenge.

That’s not in Ireland.

Well, we saw the original one in Ballymun. It was all misty  because of the rain but that made it more exciting. Huge towering blocks which were built using the stones from Stonehenge. Oh… and a tour of Dublin City. It’s amazing how broad minded the Irish are. Not every country would have a statue of an auld slag in the street. Molly something. The streets were alive, alive oh. The best part of all is that I’m now an Irish Citizen. Look at me new passport? And my name is in Irish, but I can’t pronounce it. But that’s sound. 

That looks like a Russian name. It’s Cyrillic.

Not at all at all at all. It’s pure Irish. 

How much did that cost you?

Only 200 euro. Everything is so cheap here. Tis a grand country!



Before I frighten every tourist from visiting Ireland, I must say that nothing in this blog is true, except the… forget that. We will welcome you at the airport and wrap you up in the Irish Flag. Sure you’re one of us. 

Your great-great-great-great-great grandfather was Irish and according to the ballads and legends, one of them married a red-headed Irish Colleen. There’s no escaping Irish DNA. It will stick to you like strong glue and the odd slip of the tongue – ‘You’re sound so. You’re grand’ – will give you away no matter where you are. 

Did you hear the one about the fella climbing Everest? Irish from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Thought he was heading West to see his mammy, but sure he got lost. 

Did you hear the one about the Irish mammy looking for her son? Neither did I.

No worries folks. All visitors to Ireland will be given a new Iphone with 200 euro credit, so you can google your way around Ireland and not get lost in the mists of time or in a bottle of Irish Mist. 

Read my blog –  The Grass is always greener!

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  1. That is brilliant!! Sooo funny Helena if not a little near the bone .So clever and witty Well done.👍👍🙌🙌

    • Thank you Mary. Richard relived every step and story of his childhood, and met many old cronies. I was happy I could share his journey.

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