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Who Does That

WHO DOES THAT?

Brand Names

My secret passion is watching all the Bling programmes on Netflix. No longer a secret, but I know I’m not alone. As I’m known to say – “Who does that? Who wears that?” The answer is the Bling Generation. When the High End Handbag owner knows within a millimetre the length of the strap on your handbag, you’ve been caught red-handed.

You know by the look on her face that she’s mentally screaming –  ‘Fake! Fake!’ It’s the smirk, the haughty demeanour and the sneering look. I wonder if they buy that with the bag. Of course. The ultimate luxurious bag – comes with attitude and why not! If you’re going to spend 250,000 euro on a handbag – (really!) then you need more than attitude. You need a hefty bank balance and a security guard.

UGG UGG

uggs

When I first saw the boot called Uggs, I said it was one fashion that wouldn’t last. How wrong was I, and that’s unusual. I’m never wrong. I’m a female! Anyway, to Ugg back – the aptly named boot morphed into shoes and slippers and even tracksuits. Best of all, huge furry slippers that could be worn outdoors. It’s like having a dead cat attached to your feet minus the miaow, unless a high-end fashionista influencer is passing by.

I borrowed my daughter’s Uggs on our first visit to snowy Colorado. They were not only warm, but also seriously comfortable. Who needs a husband when you can warm your feet in a pair of Uggs. If you’re ever in Macys or Dillards in Scottsdale, Arizona, that’s me hovering by the Uggs display.

CRIMPLENE YOUR FACE

When slippers become outdoor wear and super huge jackets in size six figures are fashionable then I know I’ve aged. Respectfully Yours, now hunts for super stretch elasticated waist (neck high) crimplene trousers. Do any of you remember crimplene? Do you even know how to spell it? A product of the late fifties, it was wrinkle free. Memo to all plastic surgeons: Consider crimplene instead of botox. It has more of a stretch.

Thanks to Wallace Carothers, the inventor of Bri-Nylon in 1935, we all became static as our bodies stuck to the bri-nylon sheets. No need to iron and that’s sure got to be a bonus.

BRANDING

branding

Why do we pay a lotta dosh to advertise someone’s brand? My most comfy summer dress has Tommy emblazoned across the front, so why am I surprised when someone shouts out – “Howya Tommy.” Then I want to justify that I bought it at the knockdown price of $20 at an outlet. Is it out of fashion? Probably. Do I care? No! Shall one of my grand daughters inherit it? Of course.

“Hey, my grandma left me a dress.”

“Are you for real? Why would she do that? Was she poor?”

“But it’s designer. Retro.”

And from beyond the grave I send her a thumbs up for being kind.  

We carry plastic bags with the shop logo on them. If the handle breaks – well you should have gone elsewhere. We pay supermarkets for bags so that WE can advertise for them, free of charge! We proudly stroll down the highway – as one does – swinging our Chanel and Hermes bags. The bags are probably worth more than what they contain, especially as the contents are from Primark.

YOU CAN’T AFFORD US

I went into a particular high-end-designer in Montenapoleone in Milan. I was delighted to find a chair to sit on, and a small table beautifully laid out with plates of chocolates and biscuits. Of course there was bottled water which had no doubt flowed directly from the Alps.

I stuffed my gob while my daughter tripped the light fantastic around the store. Suddenly, I felt the glare. The temperature dropped to minus zero. A hand grabbed the biscuits (I’d eaten the chocolates) and eyeballed me. It was a death glare. A “who do you think you are?” glare. It worked. I shuffled out of the shop in my Aldi trainers. Apparently, these goodies were meant for the customers who not only have money to spend – but spend it!

I have one question. How did the sales assistant know I wasn’t a multi-billionaire? Can they assess everything you wear in pounds, shillings and pence? Or I might have been a mystery shopper! Life is made up of such joyful moments. I do have fun.

BE WARNED

One final word of warning. If you decide to purchase the high-end handbag, make sure it’s the real McCoy. I’ve been ‘done’ in a well known store in Galway City. The zip broke within a week. They repaired it. It broke again. I contacted the company and they had never heard of this shop, nor supplied them.

Likewise, my hubby bought me a pearl ring for our 25th Anniversary, again in a reputable store. Before long it actually peeled. I was pearl-less.

A friend purchased Polo Ralph Lauren T Shirts in a branded store at the Waterfront in Cape Town. Proudly worn until someone pointed out that the logo was back to front.

DARN IT

shredded jeans

Shredded jean legs are back in fashion. Jeans with ripped holes. Apparently, they are called ‘Distressed Jeans’. I would be well distressed and would probably return said ‘distressed’ item if I found it in my children’s wardrobe.

One of my favourite memories is the ‘Lovingly Darned’ moment. My son ripped a hole in his jeans to ensure he was in fashion. My mother darned it lovingly and perfectly thinking she was doing him a favour. Personally, I think I should have got her to darn a few more thousand. They could well have been best-sellers.

I am now busy creating my own t-shirt brand with the logo ‘Our Mammy’, whilst sipping a cup of the world’s most expensive coffee. The coffee cherries have been eaten and defecated by the Asian Civet. You gotta be kidding! No shit, man!

Read my blog post!  A BIT OF THIS, THAT AND NO OTHER!

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helena

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