WEIGHING UP THE ODDS

Let’s get personal. I’m putting myself out there. I’ve gained 14lbs. Being 4.11 and ¾ (that ¾ is very important), every ounce shows. I can no longer fit into my wardrobe. I mean my wardrobe of clothing, not the actual cupboard. Hang on. I’ll be back in a mo. PAUSE. LONG PAUSE. Hello again readers. Yes, I can fit into the actual wardrobe. Tried it out just now. Blogging is all about accuracy and research.

Yes, I am vertically challenged and my legs are so short they dangle when I sit on a chair. My physiotherapist commented on it a few years ago and told me it was a disability. And all these years I thought the only disability I had was my weird sense of humour. See how I prevaricate? Not addressing the issue of my weight gain, so back to my blog.

I am also now horizontally challenged. I’ve gained this weight since the Covid restrictions were put in place. My wardrobe is filled with size 8 clothing and right now I fit into size… (mumble, mumble). Thank goodness for ultra-stretchy jeans. And whoever invented lycra deserves an award. So, it’s time for me to take control and live the life I’ve been blogging about. Can I really blame the Covid restrictions? No! I’ve been following the ‘Stuff your gob, eat as much as chocolate and cake and carbs as possible’, and the ‘Who cares diet.’ It’s surprisingly effective. You do gain weight.

My local gym has been closed, but I can’t blame that either for the extra poundage. I have continued with my exercises at home and also daily walks, but it’s been an uphill (no pun intended) struggle. Fibromyalgia has decided to kick me in the butt, and that butt has landed on the couch once too often. My pain block treatments were cancelled and all my muscles are complaining.

So, what’s next folks? The truth is that eating lots of carbs or sweet stuff after 9 and 10pm are not conducive to weight loss. My excuse for over-eating is to relieve pain. Huh! That’s such a cop out. Comfort eating creates discomfort. Overindulging creates guilt which weighs at least 2kg every time. Time for me to get real and lose a few pounds. Does losing your sanity count?

COMMUNITY GYM RE-OPENED

Hurrah! This is fantastic as I can now tread-the-treadmill fantastic with speed and verve. Having bars to hold onto means I can step it out, unlike my usual walks which may be slow and ponderous. Going to the gym also means I can escape listening to the sounds of my lovely husband, Richard, in labour – I mean doing his yoga. But his ‘Hoo ha ha ha Hoo ha ha ha – oooooooomm’ is quite distracting, especially if I’m writing.

He exhales and exhales and pants like a whale in labour. It’s the only panting allowed in this house. Talking about pants I had to buy a bigger size! Aah! Whatever about jeans, us ladies do not want to wear huge granny pants. I know I’m a granny, but not in my head.

I’m being positive and booking my gym session for 9am every day. That is really tough for me especially if my sleep has been decimated by pain. I really have to talk myself into going.

A few stretches, a shower, and a coffee and I’m off up the road for my 10-minute walk to the world of fitness and toned muscles. That’s the plan, folks! So, please join me on my quest.

WHAT DO I EAT?

I’m vegetarian so the choice is endless. Fresh fruit and vegetables, of course. Protein sourced from a great variety of pulses. Nuts – the ones that don’t make you more nutty! Soya Bean products. Wonderful, tasty Stews, and other dishes made by my personal chef Richard. Throw in everything salad is my forte. Chickpeas or Butter Beans. Apple, nuts, raisons, red and yellow peppers, celery (if you like it), grated carrot.

That will give you extra protein. ‘Carrots – protein? Have you ever grated a carrot and not also grated the top of your fingers? So there! Don’t forget to add the salad leaves or fresh baby spinach. You have a choice of 15 types of salad leaves. If you’re a cow you are welcome the grass in our garden.

I’ve eaten healthily all day, but the clock is ticking. It’s ticking very loudly. 9pm strikes. No! No! 10pm strikes. I will not eat any more. I refuse No more! Demon voice whispers in my ear. ‘Richard has hidden a huge chocolate bar in the cereal box and a huge packet of fruit pastilles in the shopping bag.’

Oh, sod it! My body hurts. I’m feeling low and it might help. So, like a thief in the night I go on the hunt. Richard is engrossed in a movie so he shouldn’t hear the sounds of crackling paper or the biscuit tin being open, unless it falls on the floor, which of course it does

‘What was that noise, darling?’

‘Just dropped something.’

· Demon voice whispers again. ‘Don’t forget to make a double-decker sandwich with lots of butter, cheese and scrummy jam.’ Time for me to take my weapons out. CANCEL! STOP! The Battle of the Bulge has begun. Me versus The Demon Thought Army. Oh! Oh! My inner voice is already wavering. IT MUST AND WILL BE DONE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!

YUMMY HEALTHY TRIFLE

½ cup of gluten free oats (or gluttonous if you prefer. Not a spelling error!)

One layer of Fresh or frozen strawberries or blueberries. (Whatever!)

Chopped up apple

Chopped banana

Thick layer of 0% plain Greek Yogurt

Drizzle of agave syrup or honey if you have a sweet tooth

Few walnuts to decorate (optional)

Put a layer of gluten free oats in the bottom of an ice-cream tub (after you’ve eaten the ice-cream). Create 3 layers of fruit or more if you want to be fruity. Add the 0% fat plain Greek yogurt and drizzle with love. Keep in the fridge overnight.

The juice of the fruits and yogurt moisten the oats and everything sets like a real trifle. This can also be made with more layers of fruit and an added layer of oats and yogurt in the middle. Indulge yourself and don’t trifle with me if you overeat it and gain weight.

MY WATER SUBSTITUTE – VERY BERRY

I don’t like drinking water unless I’m out in the Arizona desert and there is nothing else available. Instead, I make 2 litres of my favourite herbal tea from Lidl. It’s called Very Berry and is exactly ass it says on the packet. I use 4 teabags and sweeten it. The sweetening is optional, but my acerbity definitely needs sweetening. Once it’s cooled I chill it in the fridge. Thus, my daily hydration needs are met.

So, folks, I’ve officially started my weight loss programme. Come 8pm onwards I must go into battle with the Negative Thought Demons. These little blighters always convince me that I must inhale an extra week’s worth of calories.

Stop! Cancel! Delete! Somehow these demons will be eliminated. I will check in with you all next week and record my weight loss. However, you will have to read ALL of next week’s blog before that magic figure is revealed. Now that’s a long-term goal – Magic Figure! Have a delicious week and don’t let anyone trifle with your affections, or any other bits. Remain Socially Distanced and Mentally Strong.

Read my other blog post – Click below!

LIVE YOUR LIFE AS IF YOU ARE A WINNER