THE PROPERTY BROTHERS. BUYING AND SELLING.
There’s only one way to sell your home and that’s via the TV show, ‘The Property Brothers. Pros: You can sell your own house and buy a new one in ten days or less! You avoid the stress of having to keep your current home tidy for months on end, instead of a week or so. You avoid the stress of sales falling through and dodgy surveys. You avoid the stress of painting, well perhaps one room.
Cons: You have to declutter in less than a day, (not possible) thus avoiding the stress of building mountains of ‘will keep that just in case’ pile. Just shove everything into boxes and then into the storage container that’s magically appeared in your front garden. You must live in the basement as Jonathan has ripped your house apart. No manners, that lad. Alternatively, you could move in with Aunt Hedwige or go on a world cruise.
Main Advantage: The Property Brothers themselves, Jonathan and Drew. Attractive, charming, loquacious, and very handy with a hammer.
THE TWINS ARRIVE
Jonathan and Drew arrive in your home and proceed to insult your colour scheme, the furniture you inherited from your grandmother, family heirlooms, your light fittings and they are horrified at the state of your bathroom. Your ego is crushed! They find mould and leaks and dodgy wiring.
They ask you what your home is worth Without fail, in every single programme, everyone quotes way above market value. The two boyos bring you down to earth rapidly and quote you 30,0000 below what you expected. You whinge and say you won’t be able to afford a new house. Your dreams are crushed.
However, the Property Brothers have a cunning plan. If you give them $10,000 or more, they will renovate your home, thus bringing the price up by an extra $20,000, so you are only $10,000 out of pocket. Reluctantly, you agree warning them that you trust them. Will your faith in Brothers Renovate be confirmed? In for a penny, in for a pound, or in this case $10,000.
THE POWER OF TV EDITTING
Programme editing, (don’t you love it?) shows kitchen units, flooring, pillars, bathroom suites and odd socks flying. The camera crew duck to avoid the flying missiles. It’s all magically restored in minutes to what looks like a totally different house. It is. It really is. I mean, IT REALLY IS! No-one can renovate in that space of time. Can they? Ten days! No chance. The producers must have ready-made sets, mock-ups of your home. They just have to change the soft furnishings and a quirky table.
RIP TEAR DESTROY
The slower version shows Jonathan and Drew, with your help destroying what looks like a perfectly good kitchen to me; ripping down walls, tearing out bathroom suites and generally creating mayhem, while you and your 2.5 children and dog live in the basement, cooking on a camping stove, moaning about how stressed you are.
Get a life! It will all be done in ten days. Actually, congratulations. I see you have attended My NegPos Workshop, but please drop the negativity. Your home is being revamped and you will be moving into everyone’s dream home. What’s to moan about?
WHY YOU WANT TO SELL
You need a bedroom for the baby who is currently sleeping in the closet. It does have a camera monitor, so no worries. (This was ACTUALLY shown on one of the programmes.)
You want: The Open Concept, so you can see what your kids are up to. Granite worktops, preferably one’s that hide dirt. A Man Cave! That will be your partner’s room, your eternal handyman, who never finishes any job he starts and all hope of that gone now if he’s in his man cave. What about the woman’s cave? That’s a necessity not a luxury. However, it seems that every woman’s dream is a Child Free Zone – so why did you have children?
YOUR DREAM HOME. THE HEART NOT THE HEAD AN EMOTIONAL DECISION
Drew chauffeurs you around while his brother Jonathan does the really hard work renovating your old home. You view beautiful properties. Let’s not forget these are actually someone else’s homes. You so diss them. ‘It’s hideous. I hate the counter tops.
I hate the wall colour. I hate the kitchen. The only thing I like is the dog.’ Helloooo! What have you been living in for the past ten years? Within a day or two you have viewed five or six properties. You narrow your choice down to three. It’s a stressful 24 hours while you decide which one to opt for. It’s a tough choice.
Will it be head over heart so you can still feed your 2.5 kids and very hairy dog who sheds more hair than a Yeti, or will it be heart over head, whereby you both work longer hours to pay the mortgage, you’re continually stressed and argue so much you end up in the divorce courts fighting instead over a house neither of you can afford anyway
POOL HOUSE OR COMMUTE HOUSE
Yes, it’s a tough choice. The Pool House, The Commute House or The Over Our Budget house. The Over Budget House has everything you want and more! You meet Drew in his plush office and tell him you can’t reach a decision. He lists the pros and cons in a few sentences.
You’re still unsure. Suddenly? Voila! Your decision is made. ‘It’s going to be The Commute House, which is Over Budget Pool House, but it has Everything We Want and Is In Move-In Condition.’ Now the stress levels rise. You’re facing being burdened with two mortgages, but as ever your knight in shining armour comes to the rescue. Drew utters the immortal words. ‘Back to the Reno Zone. We have a surprise for you.’
Don’t ask me why, but every time Drew utters those words, I genuinely expect a Surprise. A new car! An all-inclusive holiday at a classy resort. A huge voucher for Prada and Gucci. Tickets to see Barry Manilow in concert. I’m always disappointed. Jonathan and Drew are rushing around your old home as you walk up the garden path. They’re ‘Staging.’ Vases of flowers, smelly candles and pop-art cushions appear from nowhere and transform your home into a masterpiece and you’ll spend the next few weeks shouting at the kids: ‘Don’t touch that! Pick it up! Noooooo! Don’t do that!’
The Surprise is – your old home has been totally renovated. It looks like a completely different house and probably is. It’s absolutely fabulous but who cares? You can’t live in it anymore. Well, maybe for 30 days. You did opt for early closing on the purchase of your new home.
Now here comes the really stressful bit. You have to keep it Super Clean and Super Tidy as strangers will be viewing it. The first morning of open viewing you all dash around flinging cushions on beds, removing congealed half-eaten plates of food from underneath the couch, and stuffing the excess dog hairs into a cupboard.
Even the 8-month-old baby is crawling around at high speed swallowing all the little bits of lego and licking the dirty plates. Fortunately, the property brothers come back a week later, with the Offer and you say, ‘I Accept’ and they proceed to say, ‘One Last thing to do.’ With the help of 2.5 children and a very hairy dog they put a sold sticker up. Hey Ho, you’re on the go!
TIME TO ATTEND STRESS FREE WORKSHOP
You’re so hyped up after all of this you need to attend a workshop and learn how to manage your stress levels. You see an advert in the paper ‘Stress Free Workshop’. You’re so excited you ring to book. Turns out the ‘Free’ bit means free of stress as opposed to FREE! You can’t afford it.
You’re now living in Commute House which means your petrol costs are higher. You’re no longer near your Aunt Hedwige, so you must pay for a child minder. The pool is hardly used. A drain on your finances when you can barely stay afloat.
You’re living in a fancier neighbourhood and if you don’t keep the outside of your house and garden super neat, you’ll get a nasty letter from the resident’s committee. Everything comes at a price. Your dream home is now like an albatross around your neck but fear not. PosNeg workshop in your area run by the Halloran sisters and if they don’t get you smiling nothing will. Have a good day!