THE INCREDIBLE FEMALE
I make no apologies for this title because it’s true. We are incredible and amazing! For nine months we carry the future generation, followed by intensive labour and extreme pain. Stitches, racing hormones and exhaustion follow, while we proceed to carry on running our homes, raising the children and dealing with all kinds of emergencies. Too bad if we get the flu or any other illness, there is no one to look after you. We must carry on. We are strong and resilient!
If you don’t have children, you are still mothering man-flu-caveman, or practically running your boss’s business. Without your skills he would be a no-show! You rock, girlfriend! You rock!
Pssst! I do know some men who excel at housekeeping, child-rearing and are totally supportive. This is top secret – but, please man, do not say, ‘I’ve emptied your dishwasher’.
Does that mean the female is married to the house as opposed to a man? If this is your title, ensure the house is in your name only. I would also advise drawing up a legal document stating you are Managing Director of the Home with a salary to match.
You are an Educator, a Chauffeur, a Financial Wizard, a Domestic Goddess, or to be politically correct, a Domestic God. You rear future Einsteins. You shop and budget, cook and clean, (including the manky hamster’s cage and the dog poop and babies stinky nappies). You drive your children to school, to after-school activities, to play-dates and they drive you to a zillion distractions. And the family song plays loudly in your ear.
Mum, this isn’t my gym kit!
Mum, where are my ballet shoes?
Mum, I need that letter signed for the school trip like NOW!
Mum, my school bag pongs.
You check all of the above. Correct – it’s not your child’s gym kit. In fact the five gym kits you have washed have name tags you don’t recognize – Shona, Chantelle, Max, Jeremy, James.
The ballet shoes look new, not like your child’s manky-scuffed-ribbonless-ones which should have been replaced yonks ago.
What school trip? Your head is on the verge of exploding.
Oops! Didn’t have time to do weekly school bag checks. Grab one and open. Phew! Reach in. Yuck! Soggy jam-peanut-butter sandwiches, disgusting fish-paste sandwiches and oozing black bananas. Oh, and two soggy pieces of paper. You can make out the school logo, but that’s it. No amount of squinting will help you read the obliterated message.
You are highly taxed for all this unpaid work – as in highly taxing on you! You are paid with sloppy kisses from your children and animals, hugs and hisses. What more do you need?
Here are some development lessons for your children and tips for you. Aptly named – mental being the operative word.
Lesson 1: DO NOT REMOVE any rotting food or other detritus (being polite here) from your children’s school bags.
Lesson 2: Put your daughter’s pink gym kit into your son’s school bag and your son’s smelly gym kit into your daughter’s.
Lesson 3: Tie twine onto ballet shoes and secure with elastic bands.
Lesson 4: Ground your children forever and ban all school trips.
Lesson 5: Discipline is essential. Remove all iPads, iPods, iPhones, and all forms of entertainment from the bedroom before stating: ‘Go to your room now!’ Which means you need to enforce discipline before any perceived mis-behaviour. Too complicated? Just go for it!
These lessons will encourage your children to take responsibility and become model citizens. Not! They will thank you in 50 years’ time, if you’re lucky.
How come they are feted and lauded for their apparent brilliance in running the home (into the ground). House-husbanding the home is an added burden for the person paid to work outside the home. I’ll be politically incorrect and assume she’s female.
She still has to clean the bathroom at home. Organize the filing, which is inevitably a pile of envelopes, many unopened. The linen cupboard is now full of kid’s toys. Where is the bedlinen? Dare she ask? No!
When the househusband is questioned about not cleaning the bathroom his fatuous reply is:
‘They looked clean. Besides, all the water used in them must clean them a bit’. ‘The bedding isn’t ironed.’
‘Sure it’ll be creased when we lie on it.’
‘Where’s the rest of the clean bedding? It’s not in the linen cupboard.’ ‘One set is enough so I donated them to the charity shop.’
The bin is overflowing which almost gives you a heart attack. You hyperventilate. ‘Why?’ you ask.You know how I feel about bins?’
He Replies: ‘Overflow them. Stamp it all down and you have space for more. Simple economics. Also keeps toddlers happy for an hour or so. Free labour means free house husband so I can focus on cooking you the ultimate gourmet meal.’
‘When will this gourmet meal be presented to me?’
‘It’s not real. Just a form of speech. Hyperbole.’
‘A bowl of anything would be welcome right now. I’m famished. I had no lunch break.’
‘Here you go! One bowl of sustenance.’
‘This is noodles. Packet instant noodles with 101 ingredients I don’t understand. This isn’t food and there’s no sauce.’
‘you said anything would be welcome so this is anything. Hunger is the best sauce. Be grateful.’
‘Why do we have instant packets of noodles in the house? You don’t like them. The children don’t eat them, do they?’
Husband turns away from his wife’s laser eyes which are burning into his brain. Decides best response is none and time to retreat – as fast and as far away as possible.
AM I BEING FAIR TO THE MALE RACE?
They are a huge part of our lives and not all inept. They may not do things our way, but one can’t achieve perfection – unless you’re a female. Okay, I’m joking. However, they
do claim certain aspects of our lives like: men-struation, men-opause, his-sterectomy. If only they could in reality. This is where I get his-sterical and throw a his-sy fit!
YES – YOU ARE INCREDIBLE
This is a special message to the strong women I know who are caring for a disabled child, or a child in recovery from severe illness, or any kind of caring role you do. I am bowled over by your strength and resilience. You still manage to smile through the pain and exhaustion. You are INCREDIBLE!
I have written two novels available on Amazon