Last week’s blog, Life Partner Checks, focused on the male species. It was totally biased so to be fair this week I will elucidate and focus on the female species. Women are powerful creatures, so do not be blindsided by their charm and beauty. If you don’t man up they will decimate and pulverize you into a protein shake.

So, what can you do to ensure the female in your life is on your side? Here are the top six suggestions and you risk a life of nagging or getting the old shoulder if you do not put them into action. I will try to be impartial, for at least one paragraph. Don’t like to diss the sisterhood.

UNBIASED (BUT NOT TRUE)

Is she a Diva? Does she screech loudly in public when she meets her friends? Does she ‘tell all’ on Facebook? Is she demure and ladylike when she meets your parents for the first time, or does she fart loudly and then laugh? Does she refuse to eat your mum’s scones because she’s on a diet? Does she laugh like a hyena? Does she love animals. Kicking your mum’s smelly poodle under the table doesn’t count.

Does she wear bodycon dresses which you love now but would deem unsuitable after marriage. (You’re so two-faced.) Are her nails so long she can’t load the dishwasher, clean the bathroom, put your clothes away? (Well you shouldn’t have moaned that they snagged your favourite cashmere sweater.)

Does she wear fake tan that makes her look like an orange and your bedding is more tie and dye than die-signer? Does she listen to you when you moan about your boss? When she meets your boss for the first time does she wink at him and say: ‘I’ve heard a lot about you.’ (It’s your own fault for telling her he’s a womanizer.)

Does she wear a shorter than short white body-con dress to your best friend’s wedding, with a huge white hat that looks like a spaceship has landed on her head? Does she use your bank card for online shopping? Does she call you ‘My Prince’ in public? Does she call you ‘Puppykins in public?’ Does she say, ‘Luv You’ or ‘I Love You?’ There’s a huge difference.

HE UNVARNISHED TRUTH

The female is a joyful and happy creature, or she was before you, the male, came along and seduced her with promises you never kept. Well what did you expect? If you make a promise do not break it. She will never forget.

This beautiful creature suffers the pain of birth, hours of exhaustion and horrendous contractions while you (hopefully) mop her brow. And I mean ‘mop her brow’. Do not squeeze a sodden sponge of water over her head. You are not christening her. That was done 9 months ago, and if she swears at you during this time, you deserve it.

Every month she suffers again and again. First with PMT and then menstruation. Note that is begins with men. (Your fault). PMT demands that you make her a decent cup of tea and be loving and kind to her. It demands a back massage. This is not a precursor to making love. It’s about showing your love by understanding and commiserating. Maybe that’s a step too far for you but DO IT! She’s the love of your life, your inspiration, your raison-d’etre, so stop whinging.

IS SHE ORGANIZED?

Homes do not run themselves. They need a superwoman, a managing director of the home to organize and tidy and clean and ensure any children you have look half decent. This is an unpaid job besides the career where she is busting her gut.

Do you put the clean clothes away? Do you pack the dishwasher properly? Do you unpack the dishwasher? Do you clean the bathroom? Do you change the bedding? Do you do the ironing? Do you hoover and dust and generally clean up after yourself? I see all those smart Alec’s out there high-fiving each other and smirking because they think they’ve cracked it.

Listen to this male-clap-trap. ‘Darling, I’ve emptied your dishwasher.’ (Since when did it become mine?) ‘Darling, I’ve ironed my shirt so you don’t need to worry about it.’ (Did you iron the sheets or any other clothing?) ‘Darling, those flowers I bought you three weeks ago are starting to smell. Maybe you should so something about them.’ (Don’t be surprised if this comment results in your head being soaked in smelly water and adorned with rose petals well past their blooming date.) ‘Darling, your baby needs changing.’ Do not be surprised at the flying missiles aimed at your head, preferably the shitty nappy.

IS SHE A DIVA?

Good for you, girlfriend. High five! Every man needs a diva in his life. Divine and exciting and never ever boring. Every day you spend with her will be amazing and wonderful. Days filled with carousels and exciting fairground rides. Your feet will never touch the ground. Your head will spin 360 degrees and you wont have time to think about yourself. Perfect. Your whole focus must be on your gorgeous Diva. That’s why you chose her. Too late to change your mind now mate. Go with the flow and adore her. She will be yours forever.

CAN SHE COOK LIKE YOUR MOTHER?

This is not a question you should ask any female. Just believe that she can cook better than your mother, but of course don’t tell your mother that. If you are attending an extended family meal, do not praise your mother’s cooking in front of the love of your life, or you can guarantee there will be no loving in your life for quite some time. On the other hand, if your mother is a lousy cook then your standards are pretty low.

Suggestion: You do the cooking, but do not expect praise. Do not go into every detail about how you chopped the onions and sautéed them and chopped the veg and added your unique spices. Have you ever heard a female say any of that? No! She just gets on with you and produces a meal in half the time and doesn’t create a tsunami in the kitchen.

DOES SHE LOVE YOU

Even though she is stretched 100 ways and really needs 4 hands to achieve everything she does, she does love you. That pat on the back when she passes by is proof. Don’t dare grumble ‘I’m not a dog’ and stop sniffing her hair!!!!! Be happy that she acknowledged your presence.

When she rubs your bald patch it’s with love. When she makes your favourite bread it’s with love. When she kicks your shoes out of the way and shrieks as she nearly tripped over them that is not PMT, so do not even ask that question! Put your bludy shoes away. When she brings you a cup of coffee that is love. Do not say you would have preferred tea. When she makes your favourite lasagne that is love.

These are all the little ways she shows how much she loves you. She empties YOUR dishwasher. She looks after YOUR kids. She cleans YOUR house. She Marie-Kondoed your garage. Oops! That loving gesture turned out to be a disaster. She dumped all your beloved man-toys, the fancy toolbox you’ve never used and the remnants of a canoe you were trying to make.

All part of a happy and loving relationship. The rollercoaster of love and life and learning. (Get it right! It’s exciting, eyepopping, stomach churning, and then, back to peace and tranquillity of a normal day as you rest in each other’s arms.