You’ve all met Miss Jane Austen and her pupils in, YOU NEVER KNOW, the blog posted on 7th November 2022. Time to meet them all again along with a few new characters and see how they’re doing. I wonder if any of them succeeded in life?
IT’S TIME TO PARTY
Principal: Welcome. I have often said – “Give me a place to stand, and a lever long enough, and I will move the world.”
(He pauses and mutters – ‘I know where I’d stick it.‘ Disgruntled, he looks at his former pupils.)
‘Did any of you fly across oceans? Create wonderful pieces of art? Write classical novels? Become great leaders? Change the world? Duh! You look like you’ve crept out of a tomb, more dead than alive. Enjoy your evening. And make sure you don’t disturb my circles. I spent all day doing them.
Wordsworth: Who’s he?
Shakespeare: The new principal, Archimedes.
Wordsworth: He looks a bit ancient. Wasn’t he the fella who spent all his time shouting “Eureka”?
Miss Austen walks up to them with a scowl on her face. Shush!’
Wordsworth: Who’s she?
Leonardo da Vinci: Don’t you remember our teacher, Jane Austen? Her favourite words were ‘Out’ and ‘Oh La!’
Shakespeare: Fair play to you, Jane. “Brevity is the soul of wit.”
Leonardo da Vinci: Don’t you start. One dumb William in our midst is enough.
Abraham Lincoln: My dear fellows, ignore that lout who has pretensions of being an artist. “That some achieve great success, is proof to all that others can achieve it as well.”
Amelia Earhart approaches with eyes only for Picasso.
Picasso, how lovely to see you. What are you doing these days?
Picasso: I’m hanging in the Louvre.
Virgil: They hung you? What did you do?
Leonardo da Vinci: Ya numbskull. He wasn’t hung. He’s in the Louvre. You know, that museum in Paris. I’m there as well. You must have seen my Mona Lisa smile.
Picasso: (sniggers) More of a smirk and not as famous as Les Demoiselles d’Avignon which I painted.
Leonard da Vinci: Oh, yeah! You mean the prostitutes you dabbled with? And no wonder The Weeping Woman is so upset. A child could do better.
Missy Eliot: Now, boys. “If you got talent, you just have to do you.” I have at least five million followers. How many do you have?
Picasso and Leonard da Vinci are puzzled.
Wordsworth: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!” Lads, she means your Social Media followers – Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and all that malarkey. It’s what defines you now, not what you do or how well you paint or sing or any other talent. You gotta have followers.
Doe-eyed, he looks at Miss Eliot.
“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.”
Missy Eliot: Willie babe, You’re so hot. But – “I’ve learnt to be happy by myself.”
Shakespeare: “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”
Missy Eliot: Yo, Willie! Chillax. Get Your freak On. If you don’t have a social media following you may as well be dead.
Charles Dickens: As my good pal Oliver Twist said – “Please sir, I want some more.” Now tell me. Missy, how do I get more followers?
Missy Eliot: Write a best selling book or two.
Abraham Lincoln: I have one follower. That South African fella is after my presidential seat. Hey, Nelson, isn’t one country enough for you to rule? I know it’s been a long walk to freedom for you, but give the rest of us a chance.
Nelson Mandela: “Ask no questions and you’ll be told no lies.”
Charles Dickens: Sir, you dare quote my Great Expectations?
Nelson Mandela: Your Great Expectations weren’t worth a PIP!
Mohammad Ali: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Amelia Earhart: “Never do things others can do and will do if there are things others cannot do or will not do.” Charles and Nelson are great men. Their like shall ne’er be seen again.
Mohammad Ali: “I am the greatest. I said that even before I knew I was.” So, get off your high horse, Emmy, and see the Champ before your eyes. “I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.”
Virgil: Ignore her, Ali. “No day shall erase you from the memory of time.”
Trump: “Veni, vidi, vici. I came, I saw, I conquered.”
Julius Caesar: What idiot dare steal my words? Who is this cretin?
Virgil points at Trump and whispers: “The only hope for the doomed is no hope at all.”
Julius Caesar: I have crossed many mountains, fought many armies. My name will forever be written in the great annals of history. Tell me, what have you done? I see how you shrink before me. You’re not worth throwing to the lions. They don’t deserve to have indigestion. Oh, I suggest you change your hairdresser.
Trump disappears. Everyone sighs with relief.
Charles Dickens: Who’s that one earwigging us?
Maggie Thatcher: Shhh! That’s The Abrahams blogger from the West of Ireland. Be careful or she’ll quote you.
Shakespeare: “Though she be but little, she is fierce.”
Virgil: Don’t stress, Mags. None of us are quotable.
Florence Nightingale: “I am of certain convinced that the greatest heroes are those who do their duty in the daily grind of domestic affairs whilst the world whirls as a maddening dreidel.”
A crowd of women burst in followed by the Spice Girls, all singing.
It’s raining women, hallelujah!
It’s raining women, we’re here to rule!
Shift your asses, fellas,
We have no more time for fools.
Maggie Thatcher twerks – as much as her tight skirt allows:
‘You tell ’em, sisters. Vote me back in and I will empower you all.
Cilla Black: Sorry, ducks. Your sell by date is well past.
Jane Austen points at each man and screeches – ‘Out! Out! Out!’
Her haughty look of disdain withers every man’s ego. They scuttle away like frightened mice.
Jane Austen: As I said in my novel Northanger Abbey – “I have no notion of treating men with such respect. That is the way to spoil them.”
Cilla Black: Ooh, our Jane, you’re a lorra lorra laughs.
Cleopatra: “Be it known that we, the greatest, are misthought.”
Cilla Black: Spoken like a true scouser, Luv.
Oprah Winfrey: “Self-esteem means knowing you are the dream.”
Please welcome just a very few of the great women in history. Women who fought for our rights. Women who were warriors. Women who were inventors, mathematicians, composers, musicians, world changers – and ahead of their time. Women who were brilliant and innovative. Many of them may be unfamiliar to you. Empower all females by recognizing their value and worth, acknowledging their greatness. Only then shall we empower ourselves.
Emmeline Pankhurst. Mother Teresa. Marie Curie. Oprah Winfrey. Kamala Harris. Cleopatra. Joan of Arc. Indira Gandhi. Rosa Parks. Susan B. Anthony. Mary Wollstonecraft. Ida B.Wells. Rosalind Franklin. Marie Stopes. Josephine Butler. Vera Atkins. Elizabeth Fry. Wangari Maathai. Simone de Beauvoir. Nellie Bly. Hannah Arendt. Hypatia. Artemisia Gentileschi. Rosa Bonheur. Hildegard of Bingen. Louise Farrenc.
Kamala Harris: “To the children of our country, regardless of your gender, our country has sent you a clear message: Dream with ambition, lead with conviction, and see yourself in a way that others might not see you, simply because they’ve never seen it before. And we will applaud you every step of the way.”
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