Ladies and gentlemen, today, I have the ultimate weapon for you all. The one and only weapon you need in your quest for freedom. The one and only weapon you need in the battle of the bulge. Would you like me to tell you what it is?
‘YES!’ the audience shouted.
‘I can’t hear you. Louder!’
‘YES! YES! YES!’
The reverberation was like a roll of thunder. Bellies quivered. Double chins billowed. I smiled gleefully, euro signs flashing in my mind.
‘Let me introduce Mr. Will Power, the weapon of your choice, the man of your dreams. Sorry gents, if you attend tomorrow’s session, I can introduce you to the alternative Will Power.’
To the sound of James Bond music, the door swung open and in strode an even better version of any James Bond ever seen. Suave. Sophisticated. Superbly built. The Lamborghini of men. A bit dim-witted but that suited my purpose. The audience rose and applauded shouting wildly – a wee bit out of control, but hey ho!
Placing my arm around Will Power’s not inconsiderable muscle-bound shoulders – (I had to stand on a stool) – I whispered. ‘Do your stuff and make sure you do it well or no fee. You understand, amigo?’
He nodded nervously. Stuttering slightly, he greeted the audience. I poked him hard in his side. He cleared his throat and started again.
AT YOUR SERVICE
‘My name is Will Power and I am totally and utterly at your service. I will fight the Battle of the Bulge with you, be with you every single day, every step you make. I’m not afraid of the cakes that beckon or the chocolate cravings, the trashy carbs or sugar highs. I will decimate them, destroy them forever’.
‘How can you be here for all of us? There must be at least 200 people here’, some smart ass shouted.
Will’s teeth flashed a devastating smile, a smile that took no prisoners. ‘I’m extremely versatile and can survive for weeks without sleep. I will be there at 2am when you get out of bed to raid the biscuit tin. I will persuade you nicely or not, that biscuit-bread-chocolate-ramming is not a good idea, especially at 2am, any other time of day or night. If “nice” doesn’t work I will crush you. I will kill you.’
I nudged him again this time a lot harder. ‘That’s not part of the script, you idiot.’ Turning to the audience who were quite chastened I managed a fake laugh. ‘He’s only joking, folks’.
Will Power smiled his thousand-watt smile melting every heart, man and woman alike within a ten-mile radius.
‘Sorry, ladies and gents. I got carried away, but that’s because I care about you deeply, each and everyone of you’.
He paused his eyes roaming covetously over every face. Not a sound could be heard, not even the proverbial pin that dropped. He whispered and every neck craned forward their eyes locked on his.
‘I am Will Power. I am yours for life. Love me like I love you’.
He bowed and exited the room leaving the essence of the Will Power effect behind him and an audience of believers in thrall forevermore, except for one. There’s always one.
THERE’S ALWAYS ONE
‘I don’t understand. How does this system work? Is Will Power going to live with all of us? Of course, that’s not possible’. She pointed a finger accusingly at me. ‘This is just another scam.’
I smiled – one of those smiles that glitters with venom. Raising my arms above my head, I shouted –
‘Who wants Will Power? Who wants Will Power to help them lose weight? Who is passionate about Will Power, loves him, adores him, will obey his every command?’
The audience rose as one, except for ‘the one’. What do you expect? It’s not a perfect world.
I pointed at her. ‘Will Power is all yours, madam. He awaits you. Treat him kindly’. She snorted and left the room.
NIGHT-FOOD-MARES
2am. Sue tossed and turned in her bed. Sleep evaded her yet again. She counted sheep and they turned into chocolates. She counted cats (why not?) and they became fluffy marshmallows. She counted euros, all the euros she had handed over to that slimeball woman who claimed Will Power would help her lose weight.
‘More fool I’, she mumbled. There was only one answer to her sleeplessness and anxiety, a few biscuits (or a lot), or a heavily-laden-thick-buttered-cheese sandwich with a dollop of jam for good measure. She got up and went into the kitchen, fully alert as her mind went into overdrive of the endless possibilities of what she could eat. Telling herself that this would be her final binge, she reached for the biscuit tin. Someone grabbed her hand. She screamed, as you would in this situation.
Turning around, she was shocked to see Will Power. ‘Who let you in?’
He smirked. ‘You did’.
‘No, I didn’t’.
‘Yes, you did’.
‘No, I didn’t’.
‘Yes. you did’.
You get the picture or should I doodle-daddle a bit more. Anyway, to cut a long story short, Sue lost that particular battle as Will Power grabbed the biscuit tin, and the cake tin, and the fresh crusty bread and lumps of butter and cheese. No worries, he didn’t forget the chocolates Sue had hidden from herself. Really? Can you hide something from yourself?
Sue gazed into Will’s eyes and fell madly in love. The power of Will whittled her brain into shape as well as her body. They lived happily ever after. Well, what else did you expect?
ENROL NOW
Do you want to lose the weight on your mind, the chip on your shoulder, the blubber on your belly. Enrol now. Special rates available for the discerning few. Come and meet Will Power? He’s available just for you and will be at your beck and call forevermore. Okay, I know he married Sue, but he’s not beyond flashing his gnashers to help you. I mean teeth not …. He’ll ensure that no dastard-cream will pass your lips ever again.
May the power of Will be with you today and every day!
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