When you purchase a car, you give it a test run. You ensure it’s running smoothly and has no weird glitches. You might even get a mechanically minded friend or expert to check it out before you hand over your hard-earned dosh. When you find your life partner, many years after kissing a dozen ugly toads, you smile gleefully and start planning the wedding.

Venue must be plush and romantic. Flowers must be awesome. Cake must be bigger and better than anyone else’s. Dress must be unique, designer, sculpted and expensive. Wedding list – must be available at the best stores, not just your corner Spar shop. Shoes must be super high, gorgeous, uncomfortable, and guaranteed to demand a foot rub on your wedding night instead of the usual palaver.

After all, the ‘palaver’ has been done pre-wedding. Months of planning and excitement and stress and endless check lists. My question to you is: have you done the partner check list? You haven’t! I’m shocked. Not too late. The following list will give you a head start and guarantee a brighter future.

STD (Software technical data )

Software technical data should be checked prior to travel on the road to marital bliss. It includes everything you need to know and more about the toad, I mean the Prince you’re about to be hitched to. Is he solvent?

Glued to you or the sports channel? Is he stuck in a rut? Is his glass half-full or half -empty? Is he more negative than positive or has so many dreams that his life is a nightmare? Does he love his mother? Too much? More than you? Hmmm – dodgy!

Is he afraid of dogs, the canine kind as opposed to the ones he might cheat with? Is he a laugh er (new word), a smiler, or a moaner? Is he romantic and sensitive or boring and pedantic? Does he howl and growl when he stubs his toe, or does he see it as an opportunity to buy new slippers?

Does he wear tartan grand-dad slippers or cool flipflops? Is the skin on the soles of his feet prehistoric-dinosaur-like or soft and cared for? Does he get regular manicures and pedicures? If so, should you check out the salon, the blonde, and the length of time it takes.

Does he show signs of premature aging or any other kind of premature? Does he have a bald pate? Is he flubby and tubby? Does he have wild eyes and a rictus smile. Those last two are extremely important.

MENTAL OUTLOOK

Is he a smooth talker or a bit lax grammatically? Is he a bit rough around the edges? The state of the soles of his feet will answer that question. So, get his socks off! Does he have goals in life besides the ones on the sports channel?

Does he have life in his goals? Ha ha – bet you didn’t think of that. Are his goals realistic and is he actually achieving them? Does he hear you? DOES HE HEAR YOU? This is extremely important.

If you don’t put petrol in your car, it’s not going to shift or take you anywhere. If you don’t have communication in your relationship it’s not growing and will inevitably end up with blown gaskets.

MOT/FOT (Male on trial or female)

Male on trial or female on trial must be treated seriously. When you go out on a date, take notes. Use your iPhone and record. Try to be discreet. You’re in a fancy restaurant, the kind that has more cutlery on the table than you have at home.

Does your date/future spouse know the correct order of ‘cutlery etiquette,’ or does he/she scoop up the gravy with the dessert spoon, or mop it up with a piece of Artisan baked bread? How loud are the slurping noises? After the meal is there a gale force ‘wind’ that’s all pong and no apology.

Does the door slam in your face as you leave the restaurant? Clues that mammy didn’t teach ‘precious’ son or daughter any manners. Assuming you share a bed, do you shiver when the duvet is yanked away from you? Are you waiting with bated breath for the next earth moving snore?

Are you sharing a bed with a hyperactive hippopotamus who appears to levitate every time he turns and lands on the mattress with a resounding thump? Are you lying in the dark, with your eyes open, tense as a coiled spring as you await the next snore, the next thump, the next earth moving experience, not the one you expected?

Don’t blame your mammy for not telling you the facts of life. You should have googled it. And don’t rely on your friends. They all lie about their ‘wonderful and perfect’ relationships.

This is just a taster of the MOT/FOT experience. The complete package is on special offer for $49.99! The super upgraded Forever in Love package can be purchased for $999,000. It contains the ultimate secrets and ultimate super-fixes and is guaranteed for life.

NO GUARANTEES

The truth is there is no magic formula. You might have an image of the ideal partner in your mind and wham! You fall in love with someone totally the opposite. You may try to pick and choose and when Love calls, you don’t care about any glitches.

You just wanna get hitched. Unless you’re one of those people who actually do the whole checking caboodle to ensure the partner you marry is up to standard, your standard, and especially financially solvent. You shrug and say – ‘Love can grow. My life, my choice.’ I have met both males and females who choose this strategy, but the only gold is in the ring.

A young man asked me to write a card for his ex-girlfriend to express how much she had hurt him. He poured his heart out to me. The following day I waited for him to collect it. He never returned and I hope he reconciled with her. I left the card on display. By lunch time I had orders from 18 females for that same card and those orders multiplied over the weeks. I will share it with you.

BETRAYAL OF LOVE

It is difficult for me to express myself

To tell you how much you have hurt me

You have pierced my heart

Chastened my spirit

I feel as if you have trodden on everything

We had built up together

Love and loyalty

Trust and friendship

I do not want to hurt you with sharp words

I just want you to know

I do not understand

And I feel betrayed

FINAL WORDS OF CAUTION

Do not betray or be betrayed. Stop kissing toads. When you fall head over heels in love you get concussed. Well, what else did you expect? If you don’t do the life partner checks you have no-one to blame but yourself when it all goes topsy-turvy.

I highly recommend the super upgraded Forever in Love package which can be purchased for $999,000. It really does contain the ultimate secrets and ultimate super-fixes and is guaranteed for life. If you want to be a cheapskate then just do the $49.99 course. No sales pressure. No returns. No guarantees. I’m not psychic.