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I’M AN ENTREPRENEUR NOT A THIEF

BOGOF

Isn’t BOGOF amazing? Not sure if my lovely South African family know what it means. It’s Buy one, Get one free. What fool wouldn’t avail of this offer and I’m no fool.

I loaded up my shopping trolley with all the BOGOF offers happy as Larry, whoever he is. I sailed past the cashier with a beaming smile. Stopped and reversed. ‘Tell the manager I said Thank You. This is a brilliant idea.’ And off I went out the door. Just as I reached my car a hand tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned to see who it was. That brought another smile to my face. Eye candy galore. ‘Madam,’ says the hunk. ‘You forgot something.’ ‘Are you part of the deal?’ I asked. ‘Well, I don’t need another gorgeous man in my life. I have one at home, but I know someone who can avail of your obvious charms. You look like you’re vitamin enriched. Hold onto this trolley for me. I forgot something.’

I raced back into the store to get some chocolate. You know what it’s like when you go into a supermarket for one item and end up juggling to hold onto ten. One falls and as you pick it up another one falls.

To cut a long story short I paid for my chocolate, bread etc. Sadly, none of them were BOGOF. As I sailed out of the store I saw the security guy being shoved into a police car. I frowned wondering what he had done. I shrugged. Oh well, c’est la vie. I unloaded my shopping into the car and drove off.

BOGOHF

This is a bit more tricky and not as lucrative as BOGOHF. It’s Buy one, get one half free. But still who’s going to turn up their nose. The fresh veg and fruit section have a roll of plastic bags so you can tear off a few strip and use them for wrapping.

I loaded everything onto the cash desk, took out my cleaver and chopped it all in half. I always carry a cleaver. Don’t you? I smiled at the cashier. ‘I’ve made your job easier for you. The next BOGOHF customer can take the other half. Now, give me a hand with my shopping.

Some of it has de-packaged and I need to wrap it up. Do you have spare bottles for the vino? I need to decant half of it. It wouldn’t be safe to chop that in half, now would it?’ And off I went with my half-price-half-packaged shopping a and a smile on my face.

Note of warning. This method doesn’t work for clothing. Who needs a one-sleeved-sweater, or half a dress, unless you’re a mad fashion designer who convinces the world that this is the latest fashion? Sure, there are enough people out there who’ll fall for that kind of shenanigans. But I’m working on it.

IS IT A BARGAIN?

bargain

I often have doubts about these ‘offers’ in supermarkets. Really, what store can afford to sell one item at full price and get one free or pay one cent for the other. But we like to be deceived.

We like to believe that we are getting a genuine bargain. We are the fools and they see us coming. ‘Stand by. Stand by. All customer service assistants to their stations now. We are ready for lift-off. Here comes another idiot.’

Have you ever grabbed an item off the shelf, delighted that is its much cheaper than usual? Then you get to the cash desk and discover it’s much more expensive than you thought. The cashier yawns and calls the supervisor who “politely” takes you back to the relevant aisle and shows you the price. You blink and blink again.

She informs you that it’s the item next to it that’s reduced. Has that price banner been moved just a fraction? You look around suspiciously. Is it the same aisle or is it a fake one set up for unsuspecting (stupid) shoppers like yourself?

Unless you have your own personal surveillance equipment you’ll never know. Check out my wonderful offer of the latest surveillance camera. Attached to your forehead like a third eye, it records as you browse and buy. You’ll never be fooled again. Buy one, get one free. How generous is that?

GRAB THE BIGGEST BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO

You grab the biggest bottle of shampoo and the biggest box of cereal. In fact, all the BIGGEST of everything. You know your wife will be delighted. She’s the queen of bargains. You hum happily as you drive home, unload the shopping with a smile and wait for her approval.

She frowns when she sees the super-sized items. ‘You fool,’ she says quietly. Backing away from her knowing that her ‘quietly’ will be followed by a loud tirade of abuse about your abilities to do the shopping ‘right’. In fact, to do anything right. And why the window blinds you still haven’t put up become part of this tirade is beyond you.

But every little thing you’ve forgotten to do in donkey’s years of marriage is spat out in a spew of vitriol. All because “The lady loves milk-tray.” (Anyone remember that advert?) You didn’t buy any, but the worst sin of all is that you didn’t check the ML.

bottle

The super-sized bottle of shampoo has 400 ml. The much smaller one in the bathroom which “she who knows it all” bought at half the price has 500 ml. The super-sized cereal box has more puffed air than your Uncle Randall, and he was full of it. Your bargains are not bargains. She demands the receipt, so she can change it all for the “correct” items. You shake in your boots literally.

You’ve lost the receipt. Actually, you threw it away, but you’ve no intention of telling your loved one that. She snarls. You run. Anyone looking for lost husbands or partners, I can help you find them for a one-off fee, or a bargain monthly subscription charge. Check me out at RU adaft.shopper.com.

NOT EVERYONE WANTS A BARGAIN

If you’re not reading my blog, then I know you’re so wealthy you don’t need one and would probably turn your nose up at the thought. Good for you. Leaves a lot more for us bargain hunters. Or you might be a secret bargain hunter. I’ve seen you in the supermarket, looking nervously over your shoulder as you grab the BOGOF’s and BOGOHP’s.

I’ve seen you as you scuttle sideways to the cash till like a drunken crab, manically shoving your bargains into your Gucci shopper bag. Bleat! Bleat! ‘Oh, I never shop there. Too downmarket for me. Just doing a favour for the old lady next door.’ Get a life, lady! Who cares?

I have written two novels available on Amazon

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Helena

My name is Helena Abrahams and I’m from the West of Ireland, where we currently live. I’ve been married to Richard for almost 40 years and. (Bravery award pending). We have 3 beautiful adult children, 2 sons and a daughter. They are the treasures in my kingdom.

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