How not to exercise




Not sure how this works. Is it one bit of your bod at a time that gets fit, or is it misspelt? Strapped on and pow! I’m waiting for something to happen, some part of me to vibrate. Does it come in different sizes? This one only fits my wrist. I mean why would anyone want to get their wrist fit. I need a huge one for my wibble-wobbles. I did do 10,000 steps this month. It’s so easy. Less than 5 minutes a day. I’m a bit breathless but otherwise it’s not working. Maybe I should try 10,250 steps a month. Note to self. Google Fit bitch.


Place the yoga/exercise/ nap mat on the floor. Some people recommend tinned beans to help tone your arms. I recommend Tom and Jerry ice cream and a soup ladle. Scoop in. Lift arm to mouth. Head back. Stretch and grin. Repeat. That should do it. Note to self. Buy larger tubs of ice cream.

Stretch and Slip is an extremely easy laid-back exercise. No bendy bits needed. Just go with the flow – elegant and slow. Slip-slip-slipping-slipping – surely legs shouldn’t stretch that far. OUCH! Broke a muscle. Can you break muscles?

Fall backwards onto well cushioned ass. Definitely broken a muscle. After half an hour switch sides. Haul your bod up and fall face downwards onto the couch. That’s my exercise done for the week. Must rest this injury. Google Doctor recommends 6 months of rest and avoid exercise. Who am I to argue?


Ballet. That looks easy. A few leg lifts and arm raises looking cool and elegant. Nothing sweat inducing about this. The most difficult bit is squeezing oneself into a lurid pink leotard found in back of wardrobe. Avoid the mirror.

Exercise 1. Go to the bathroom and grip the towel bar. And one-two-three-four-five – stretch right arm up. Slip-slip-slip. Noooooooo! Not again. I’m splayed like a stuffed Xmas turkey. My feet are wedged against the bath. I’m almost horizontal. Got to be good for the abs. Towel rail coming away from the wall. Oh! Oh! That’s not supposed to happen.

Exercise 2.  I push against it. 

Exercise 3. I smile at my ingenuity but I’m still stuck. He who knows all Things Techno shouts – ‘I’m going for a spin. See you in a few hours’. Tomorrow? No chance. He’s off to zoom around the universe in his Morkship. A few hours of our time is a million light years in his. Now there’s a dilemma.

‘Help’, I shout back. He (deliberately) doesn’t hear me. Front door slams.

Four hours later my arms are aching and my stomach is rumbling. I’m hungry and dehydrated. The bar of soap looks mighty appetising. Can I reach the tap? I take one hand off the towel rail. Ominous creak as the towel rail loosens further. I ram my hand back on and push. Think abs. Think tummy control. Think upper arm muscles. Think positive. 

Another four hours later. If I let go I will only hurt my knees. Brace body. Loosen grip. Think strong thoughts. Let go. Legs braced against bath go east and west. I fall splayed again like a splat of rotten tomato. My face lands on something soft. That’s good. Aaaaah! Who left the baby’s dirty nappy there? I’ll kill them! Now I’m stuck in a new position. Feck this for a lark. I’m abbed out. 



Easy peasy. I can do this. One foot in front of the other and just keep moving. Breathe in the fresh air. Absorb the beautiful surroundings. Who knew there were so many shades of green? This is great. Love it. Okay, here goes. Time to speed up. Wow! Energising. More speed. Arms swinging. Grin on my face.

Break into a run. Break a sweat. Phew! Never knew I had in in me. Maybe I should do a marathon next week. Keep running. Wave casually at the SLOW walkers as you speed past them. This is a game changer for me. No more couch potato or hours of watching box-sets. I’m Huffing and Puffing and Aah! Clump! ‘Husha Busha! We all fall down!’

Yes, me and the two strollers who got in my way. Language ladies. No need to swear at me.

I disentangle myself. My legs are stinging from the nettles and the holly bush has left a few souvenirs in my posterior. Who said exercise was good for you? I slump down on the grass and look around. Realize how far away from home I am. Forgot to take that into consideration. A walk, a run, all very well but don’t forget you have to turn back at some point and wend your weary way home or drag your ass home.




When reaching for the cookie jar, make a fist and stretch out your arm. See how taut those upper arm muscles are. Alternate arms to avoid the one-sided-flab. Not a good look.

Don’t use the door handles when opening doors. Lift your right leg and kick. Then lift your left leg and kick. This opens all doors including life’s amazing opportunities.

When loading or unloading the dishwasher, stretch and bend and up and swivel. Stretch and bend and up and swivel. Slip on wet floor and do the splits. Great for inner thigh muscles. 


This is simplicity in action. You have 60 seconds in which to do maximum reps of whatever exercise you choose. It’s a no-brainer and will give you the body you deserve. Place yoga mat on the floor. Lie down with your arms by your sides, legs flat. A pillow for your head is recommended. Are you ready?

Today I will teach you the parallel move. Breathe in – breathe out. Excellent. Now get ready for action. ZZZZZZZZ!



Please do not try any of these acrobatic moves at home. Do not polish the floor prior to exercise. Purchase personal accident insurance. Do not attack babies in their buggies whilst out jogging. Do not swear in public. 

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