HOT OFF THE PRESS

caterpillar

Colin the Caterpillar and Cuthbert the Caterpillar are not related. Marks and Spencer’s is Colin’s daddy and Aldi is Cuthbert’s daddy. Sadly they are in a legal battle, one which shall no doubt increase the girth and wealth of the legal teams involved. One could assume Cuthbert may have the upper hand. With a name like that chances are he went to Oxford or Cambridge, but apparently he’s not educated. Surprisingly or not, neither is Colin. Not that it makes a difference to how they taste. Are you confused! Don’t be.

Colin and Cuthbert are cakes made in the shape of a caterpillar. Do I want to eat a green cake that looks like a caterpillar? Not particularly. Let the war of Colin and Cuthbert the Caterpillar commence. Who will win? The lawyers of course. Who will lose? The consumer. The price of the cakes in both stores will increase plus a few more sneaky items. They gotta get their money back somehow. I vote we should crowd-fund for Cuthbert. He’s better looking and sounds posh. Then again Colin may taste better.

Who knows. Please ask all your Social Media pals and contacts to go into both stores and do a taste testing of both caterpillars. Just break a wee bit of cake off and leave the packet open for the next taster. Have a cakealicious evening and if you need advice on cake legal matters contact me.

Marks and Spencer begins legal move against Aldi over Colin the Caterpillar – Read here!

TOO SHORT

sandwich

Well who knew that a footlong sandwich might fall short of an extra bite or two. In 2013, a teenager decided to measure his Subway sandwich – as you do. I assume this was premeditated and measured before being bitten. Horror of horrors the sandwich was only 11 inches long instead of the advertised 12 inches. (Men beware.)

Of course, being of sound mind and all that entails, three years later the teenager and his legal team brought the case to court. Luckily everyone had eaten their breakfast so the only hunger to be assuaged was one for compensation. I assume the teenager had availed of counselling prior to the case being heard. Being robbed of that extra inch of bread is traumatic and not to be taken bitely.

Surprisingly the judge dismissed the case. Really? Remember to bring your measuring tape with you the next time you eat out and a weighing scales, unless you have one of those fancy phones that can do the job. Weigh to go.

MISSING MINTS

candy

In 2018, Biola from New York and Abel from Mississippi, filed a case against Tootsie Roll Industries. Horror of horrors the Junior Mints box produced by this company was not filled to capacity – like your suitcase when you go on holiday. Get the picture? Biola and Abel were naturally upset by this – stating that one third of the box was empty. Reminds me of my washing powder box. Anyway, depriving anyone of mints and not giving them their mints worth is despicable. Wouldn’t you be horrified?

Sadly, the judge dismissed the case and stated in a 44 page decision (43 pages would have been enough) that any reasonable consumer can expect some empty space. Really? So the next time you are buying loo roll and there are only 190 sheets instead of 200 sheets (tempted to pun one here), do not sue or you may well need to purchase a truckload of loo roll when you see your lawyer’s bill. In the case of Biola and Abel versus Tootsie Roll Industries, I assume the lawyers made a mint.

HUSBAND SUES WIFE – 2012

argument

I’m sure there are many couples who would like to sue the pants off each other. Not literally. No smut here. The list of ‘suing’ options is endless. Not cleaning the bathroom. Not emptying the dishwasher. Throwing dirty socks under the bed. Leaving tissues in pockets. (Try removing tissue-snow when the item comes out of the washing machine). Not putting bins out. Never washing the windows. These are just the tip of the iceberg, the same iceberg that descends on said household when the air is so cold it could kill you. Ladies, a chilly silence along with laser death stare is a lot more effective than shouting.

I’ve tried to find something (honestly) that wives do wrong. Other than giving birth to men, I’m lost. Jian Feng from China didn’t sue his wife because she never washed the dishes or ironed his shirts. He didn’t sue her because she only bathed once a week and ponged a bit.

(That might be understandable). He sued her because according to him their newborn daughter was “incredibly ugly”. Eish! On that basis he accused his wife of cheating. I assume he was a handsome specimen. To cut a long story short his wife admitted to having had several plastic surgery procedures done before they had met. He won his case! Well she had kind of omitted to tell him the truth but come on……

Unfortunately, she had to pay him $120,000 and he used that money to get a new heart. No – that bit is not true. Seriously though, how can you say your new baby is ugly. His wife should have counter-sued for mental anguish, defamation, and heartlessness.

Remember ladies, men may like fake boobs, but they will balk at you having an ugly face. However, us empowered females don’t mind having an ugly man in our lives, provided his wallet is bulging. Now! Now! (K in Cape Town, cross your legs and hold on. Your free gift of Tena Ladies is on the way.

PLEASE DON’T SUE ME

Apologies to my readers. Any double-entendres in this blog are not really there. It’s your mind over my matter, plus my keyboard has a life of its own and is often uncontrollable.

I would also like to apologize to Miss K in Cape Town for any distress caused to her person – physical, mental, or otherwise. As a sign of good faith and to show how sincere my apology is I have spoken to security at The Waterfront in Cape Town. They have now added the following public announcement to aid you on your arrival at this palatial shopping centre.

“Miss K, please report to security for your Tena Lady vouchers. Also, the ladies toilets are on the ground floor and Mr Price is doing a special offer on ladies underwear. Wee care”.

Read my blog 0n – The D. I. E. T