HAVE A LIFE OF PORPOISE

Tell me this and tell me no more, are you guilty of loitering in the popular psychology book sections in libraries and bookshops? Do your eyes swivel right and left to check no-one you know is nearby, before your hands reach out graspingly? Do you read the titles and blurbs avariciously wondering which book will work its magic for you? No worries – your secret is safe with me.

Every single one of these books will tell you what you want, assuming you know what you want. Every single one of these books will tell you what your mother or father told you years ago, but you were too bold to take listen.

You are now more sophisticated, or hope you are – hence the need to boost your self-esteem, stop doubting yourself and learn how to be a bad-ass. It’s all there at your fingertips, words bouncing off the pages into your sterile brain. More hogwash to fertilize those inert cells. Awesome! Let’s see what you’ve chosen.

DWELL IN TORMENT

We’re not perfect and a bit of colonic-mental irrigation will clear out the sludge and negative thinking. Every now and then we’re allowed a Blah Blah moment or two. We’re allowed to vent and dwell in torment and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Duvet days are essential whilst you watch reruns of Friends, or Sponge Bob, if you need something louder than your screams of anguish. Throw in a few manic laughs and you’re well on the way to recovery. Join a Laughter Club to enhance your inner funniness.

A LIFE OF PORPOISE

There’s a lot said about having purpose in your life, and I’m guilty of flogging it to death in my blogs. Sure where would we be without a bit of purpose but… Yes, there’s a big but! Go one better and have a Porpoise in your life. Say it with a plum in your mouth and all your friends and colleagues will think you’re posh.

Failing that if space is a deciding factor even after using the Marie Kondo method to demyth and demess you, just buy a goldfish. Watch it swim in circles as you ponder mindlessly on your new Porpoise-full life.

PERSPIRE

You don’t need to aspire to anything in life. The truth is – you need to Perspire. Sweat it out. Huff and puff and run the marathon, because I assure you all your aspirations need to be perspirations. You won’t get anywhere in life without working hard and perspiring from every pore in your body. That’s what your skin is for. Aspiring to Perspire is ‘so now!’

PESSIMISM

Now this might surprise you. The road to Pessimism will eventually lead you to Optimism. However, before that happens you must believe that your life is basically kak. A bit like Jack and Jill, who’ve been tumbling down hills since the 18th century. Now that’s optimism for you.

Have you reached the depths of despair? Do you believe that every day will be a disaster? Of course, you do. Everything that can go wrong will go wrong – especially for you. It’s all waiting to pounce as soon as you wake up. You think you have problems? Try spilling a bag of Chia seeds all over the floor. They bounce like miniature alien invaders. Years of being pessimistic will wreck your head. Get over yourself. Lose the pess in pessimism and add on opt – thus taking full ownership of Optimism.

ROUGHAGE OR COURAGE?

Ah! Ah! Put that book down. Courage will get you nowhere unless you’ve done the whole Roughage stuff. You know, the clearing out, the whole self-sabotage business you’re so fond of. Prancing across a highwire stretched between Vegas and New York, may well demand courage, but it’s guaranteed to clear you out. Doing it means you’re a right eejit.

IN CAPTIVITY

Before you reach the state of Positivity you must be in Captivity, and held to ransom by your mortgage holder, your employer and every politician you ever voted for. Their promises which enthralled you and led you into this prison are on the bottom bookshelf, last year’s bestsellers.

You must be in a state of desperation before you’ve any hope at all, at all, at all, of reaching Positivity. The bank owns your house, your car, all of your material life. They own you and you owe them. (Couldn’t resist that).

You must have a huge chip on your shoulder, the kind that makes you whine all day. This is part of the journey and can’t be avoided. Get stressed. Scream! Yell! It’ll do you good. Then… then… I’m supposed to give you words of wisdom here, give you the key to freedom, but I’m not paid enough to do that. Come back next week.

HOW HUNGRY ARE YOU?

How hungry are you for success? How hungry are you for all that stuff many proclaim will enhance your life? You need to Empower yourself. Really? Shovel that. The truth is you need to Devour every opportunity that comes your way. Jump the queue. Devour every single word of advice (only the good stuff). Devour the written words, the gerbil, I mean verbal, and fly first class to your future. Devour your enemies. Devour all that’s negative. Devour life with passion and only then will you be empowered.

DALLIANCE

I’m scraping the barrel here. Bear with me. You’ll soon learn Resilience after a dash of Dalliance. I don’t mean the romantic kind. There’s no time for that shilly-shallying along the way, or any dilly-dally nonsense whilst you play the game of Dalliance with life. Dalliance may bring you down the wrong road, but that’ll teach you a lesson you’ll never forget. That’s the secret to resilience. You must err and suffer first which will make you truly resilient and strong. Meantime, enjoy a life of pure dalliance.

DISCLAIMER: Nothing written here is true. I take no responsibility for your negativity. I have enough of my own, thank you very much.

This bit is true. ALL Positive Psychology books are wonderful and will enhance your life, or even better change it. Words of wisdom from me to you for only 9.99.