I think I eat very healthily, excluding the late evening binges. Does one negate the other? ‘Yes,’ whispers the angel in my head. ‘No,’ whispers the demon. I wish those two moved out. They’re forever arguing. I mean, who needs that? And they’re not the only voices in my head.
Fat is a nifty dresser, a master of disguise aided and abetted by his friend, Sugar. They often work together creating sublime concoctions of mouth-watering delectable edibles that make you long for more. Sugar is also a master of disguise, a con artist who tries to fool us all with his various aliases.
Fructose. Sucrose. Dextrose. Crystal Dextrose. Corn syrup and its variations. Fructooligosaccharides. Try pronouncing that. Galactose. Glucitol. Glucoamineex. Inversol. Isomalt. Maltodextrin. Malted barley. Any malts. Mannitol. (Had to be a man in there wrecking our diets as well as our heads). Nectars. Pentose. Raisin syrup. Ribose rice syrup. Sorbitol. Sorghum. Sucanat. Xylitol and zylose and it doesn’t end there!
REVENGE IS SWEET
‘I’m so in love with you,’ whispers Fat to me as I gaze longingly at the cream-filled eclairs and buttery pastries.
‘But I love you. I like embracing your midriff. Besides, you’re the one who has invited me in to coat your entrails with hunky fatty cells and blubber.’
‘Stop stalking me!’
‘I’m not stalking you. You’re devouring me.’
‘I’ll report you to the Food Police.’
‘Oh, yeah! And what are they going to do? Remove me from your premises? Banish me to the Land of Diets? Flubberize me? I’ll always have the last laugh because you can’t resist me. You love me just as much as I love you.’
WHOSE TO BLAME?
We can blame the Crusades for many things, not least the introduction of sugar to Western Europeans in the 11th century AD. Was this a new way to torture people? Create sweet-craving-gap-toothed-humanoids? Or were they all dentists? I met Sugar for an in-depth interview.
‘Good morning, Mr Sugar. How are you today?’
‘Sweet and popular as ever.’
‘You have invaded the world of food and are top of the health food gurus assassin list.’
‘I wouldn’t believe everything you hear. Have you seen their vitamin water? Top range designer with 30 grams of MOI. Their protein bars have 20 grams and their apparent healthy smoothie can be as high as 50 grams. They invited me in and of course I accepted.’
‘But you are making people unhealthy.’
‘How dare you! They’re making themselves unhealthy. I’m not forcing anyone to tango with me. Their choice.’
‘But if you didn’t exist all would be well.’
‘Don’t’ fool yourself, sweetie. If it wasn’t me it would be someone else. I create employment. I make people wealthy, especially all the medics. Because of me Universities are booming – with waiting lists for dentistry, and all that medical stuff.
Factories are churning out clothing as retail stores stock up on the ultra-size-sweet-wear. Dieticians have never been so busy. Pharmaceutical companies are churning out pills because of me. I’m immensely proud of all these achievements.
I’m a one-man-band, creating desire and need and making people happy. I should be the next president of the USA. With my honeyed tongue I can rule the world. I’m Trumps in a world of Trumpery. Trump that if you can.’
SUP SOUP WITH ME
My favourite food is thick soup. For years we’ve been blending soup, making it posh and pretentious with coconut milk and squirrel milk and all the other sartorial elements of chefdom. Here’s my basic recipe – enough to keep you and your alter ego fed for at least two days.
Actually, it’s enough for you to entertain your posh friends, as long as it’s served with ‘artisan’ bread’. It’s delish! When it’s cooled down keep it in the fridge next to the chocolate cake! Out of curiosity I googled the ingredients to see if they contained sugar.
You know – the monster who flirts with you and calls you ‘Honey’. The monster who creeps stealthily into your fab bod and flubberizes it. To my surprise vegetables and legumes do contain sugar.
However, these are simple sugars, simple carbs, and we need them for energy, just as we need fat. But! There’s always a BUT. Blah! Moderation is the key to everything in life, so gluc before you sup.
“Never go to excess, but let moderation be your guide.”
Marcus Tullius Cicero.
These auld fellas knew their stuff, so remember – self-control, self-restraint, self-discipline, and self-love.
2 carrots finely chopped 3 grams of sugar
2 large onions finely chopped 1 cup of chopped mature onions 6.8 grams
I small potato finely chopped (optional) approximately 1% depending on variety
½ red pepper 2 grams CHECK
1 cup red lentils per 100gm 1.8 to 2.3
1/2 cup yellow split pea……………….7.88
Bouillon and salt to your taste
If using split-peas, I soak them overnight and cook them for 20 minutes while I’m peeling and chopping and decimating the other ingredients. Add everything to the split peas including enough water to cover it all.
Sorry, I’m not a measurer. Bring to the boil and then let it all simmer on a low heat for 45 minutes. Electric 3 works well for me. Stir occasionally as the lentils and split pea do tend to stick to the bottom of the saucepan.
Gradually the lentils and split peas thicken and almost dissolve, so you probably need to add more water. Don’t overdo it. Oh, will you stop complaining. I said I’m not a measurer. You need to learn how to be a creative and a ‘throw it together’ cook.
Basically, the end result is a delicious fusion of tasty protein rich soup that makes your taste buds scream for more. And it doesn’t end there.
Excuse me. I’m off to heat up my fave dish of the day and no, I’m not telling you how many calories or points or anything else it contains. Why? Because I don’t know and can’t be bothered to google it. Have a SoupaSuperLicious week.
“Only the pure of heart can make good soup.” Beethoven
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