ARE YOU A SOCIAL MEDIAADDICT?
Face up to it. Admit your guilty secret. We all know you spend most of the day checking your Facebook account. Casting shifty-eyed glances at your phone when you’re at work, pretending to check the dictionary, or are you a bird-brained Twitter-erer? Tweeting your comments about someone else’s comments, or behaviour, or RT. No that doesn’t mean you’re a right twit. It means you’re sharing someone else’s Tweets.
IG is not an acronym for igotist. It’s the ‘have to have or must have’ pages of glitz and glam where you connect with your latest besties in the world of celebs, influencers, and wait for it – thought leaders. I don’t think Descartes or Aristotle count.
DM does not mean you’re kicking ass with your Doc Marten boots – it’s a Direct Message to the world along the lines of – ‘Where can I buy a Descartes handbag? Does the Aristotle bag come in uber-pink?’
The list of social media platforms seems endless. If you bear in mind that TikTok is not a clock and YouTube is not a plumbing tool, you should be able to negotiate any or all pitfalls. Don’t think before you speak. Think before you post!
SLANG IT OR SLING IT
There are well over 120 social media acronyms and probably expanding as I write. These are my current favourites.
IMHO – In my honest opinion
AMA – ask me anything, which really means AMABNP -ask me anything but nothing personal, but if you do I’ll lie.
BRB – be right back. Schwarzeneggerize it to IBB – I’ll be back, or NTL – need the loo, but that’s probably TMI – too much information for the acronym-uninitiated. DYK – did you know. This is showing off your knowledge about world affairs such as telling all your 1000 ‘friends’ that Armani stores are having a sale, or that cream doughnuts are totally fat-free and induce weight loss, so that they all indulge multiple times and GF – get fat.
FOMO – fear of missing out – so you eat loads of those cream doughnuts, because it’s TRENDING.
FYI – for your information is so sarky. Come on! You know that’s true. Those 3 letters scream you’re a ‘smart a…. know-it-all’.
GTR – got to run. Really? What’s more important than virtual chatting to your 1000 plus friends?
IDC – I don’t care. Be honest and add on AIMI – and I mean it.
IDK – I don’t know. Honesty at last. IIBAITB – ignorance is bliss and I’m totally blissful.
ILY – I love you. Aw, but if my other half says ILY to me one more time he’ll be OHWOTD – on his way out the door.
IRL – in real life. Virtual blasting into space is reality for many people. Their real life is about uploading, downloading, posing and posting. Challenge a SMA (social media addict)
to physically write a letter and post it, but make sure they don’t post it in a street bin instead of the letterbox.
JK – just kidding, but not really. Only saying that because…
LMAO – laughing my a.. off. This proves that laughter is a form of exercise. It tones the glutes.
LOL – laughing out loud. I thought this was ‘I love you.’ Oops!
TBBH – to be brutally honest ITYLLTDD – I think you look like the dog’s dinner. WFH – work from home. You mean you’re actually going to do some work instead of multi-tasking-coffee-breaks and ‘researching’ social media. No! I don’t want to see photos of your 21st birthday or of your holiday in Benidorm.
YOLO – you only live once. That’s a total misnomer if you believe in reincarnation so MHR – many happy returns.
MTFBWY – may the force be with you.
LOVE LIKE OR TAKE A HIKE
‘Ooh! I got 419 friend requests.’Click. Click. Click.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Accepting all my friends’ requests.’
‘Do you know that many people?’
‘No, but it would be rude not to accept them.’
‘Sometimes I worry about you. You could be befriending all kinds of weirdos.’ ‘I’m friends with you and you’re weird. Get over yourself. You can never have enough friends.’
Is this you? Are you an ‘Accept-All-Friends-Requests’ even if you don’t know them? Hasn’t your mammy told you that it’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. Don’t roll your eyes at me. I’m Facebook-Efficient. The occasional like, love, or care. A quick click and done. Friend requests are never accepted – (kind of). Oh by the way, not accepting a friend’s request from someone who’s your 100th cousin thrice removed is detrimental to your virtual reality. As for removing a ‘friend’ you’re so roasted.
‘Hey, I got 229 Likes. That’s amazing!’
‘Well, I got 249 Loves! So stick that in your pipe and smoke it. I’m so Redddddd Hottttt!’
Personally, the sweetest WHATSAPP message I’ve ever received was a combination of hearts and sad emojis accompanied with a voice message from my young grand-daughter
in Cape Town. ‘Mamó, I’ve put lots of sad faces because I miss you’. Altogether now – a prolonged Awwwwwww!
KINDA LIKE IT BUT….
The joys of Facebook, or rather the mental anguish. If someone only ‘likes’ your post, that means they don’t love it, or care, or are in awe of its wit and wisdom. So you retaliate and just ‘like’ their posts no matter how beautiful they are. Facebook revenge!
We are inundated with adverts for stuff we really don’t need like Toe-Botox – this stuff is amazing. Your toes will be incredibly beautiful making all your pals so jeal… Bum Enhancers (for the flat and flaccid). Super-comfy foam-filled pants that will J-Lo your life and your wife.
Nosey-Parker Cream – a stocking filler for the people in your life who want to know ALL your business. The funniest question I’ve been asked is – ‘How much tax are you paying?’ One way of finding out what my earnings were. Cheeky! Nosey-Parker Cream sorts out the mind invaders. One squirt activates with an initial burning sensation, and then into full-red-flared-nostrils if the questioner continues.
NOT ENOUGH EMOJIS
The basic truth is that more emojis are needed.
Half-Smiley Face. ‘It’s nice but…’
Wide-eyed stare. ‘Really?’ This can mean anything from I believe you millions wouldn’t, to ‘get a life’.
Smirk. ‘You’re not serious. In case you didn’t get it, I’m being sarcastic.’ Tongue Lolling. ‘Sod off.’ This was a physical (not virtual) favourite in school playgrounds prior to social media.
Ugly Face. ‘Your photos stink. You’re so not IT!’
Fish Image. ‘You stink.’
Troll Image. ‘I’m not on Facebook, but I’m trolling because I’m nosey and I don’t have any friends or a life.’
Disbelieving Face. ‘You lying toe-rag.’
Hysterical Emoji with sound. ‘You want to be my friend? Never! Sod off!’ This is also vintage school playground.
Very Happy Emoji (screaming fake). ‘I’m so happy for you – (not).
ET Emoji. ‘You’re off the planet. Too weird.’
Bulging Eyes Emoji. ‘Your eyes are bigger than your stomach. Basically, you’re fat.’ Green Face. ‘I’m so jeal… Amazing what photo-shop can do.’
BACK TO REAL LIFE
Does that mean I’ll have to look people in the eye? Do I really have to talk to them? Can’t I just DM or Text or Email? This is not ‘my thing.’ I need lessons on living a real life, dealing with humans and not androids.
‘Grandad! I need your help – puleeze. Show me how to talk to people, how to live in the real world. Mum says I spend too much time online. Show me the old-fashioned way.’ ‘Not now, pumpkin. I’m on a Webinar about communication. Then I must check my blog rankings. As soon as I’ve updated LinkedIn, submitted content to Reddit and added my favourite quotes to Tumblr, I can spare you 10 minutes before my Zoom meeting. Was it important, pumpkin?’
‘I have written two novels available on Amazon
Both are available on Kindle Amazon!