AN INTERVIEW WITH MR……. 

Interviewer: Today I have the dubious pleasure of interviewing the most explosive man on earth. An arrogant narcissist who believes he can rule the world. Please welcome the incorrigible Mr T. 

(Shockwaves of thunder roll across the skies. A bolt of lightning lights up the studio. Mr T enters doing a parody of Riverdance.) 

Mr T: (He bows with a flourish.) 

Ta-daaah! Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I am an arro-narciss and I can fool the world. 

Interviewer: I’m sure all our viewers agree with you. Mr T, to cut to the chase is it true that you’ve been cloned? 

Mr T: Absolutely. I’m a very powerful man, but even I can’t be in two places at once. My clones ensure that all American people have the opportunity of seeing me in person. 

Interviewer: But it’s not the real you they are seeing or meeting? Isn’t that rather nefarious? 

Mr T: I’m a hilarious man. In this business you have to be. Nobody gets anywhere in life without having a laugh. 

Interviewer: Sir, no offence, but I did say ‘nefarious’. 

Mr T: I never sit on the fence. If all the seats are full I’ll just commandeer one. 

Interviewer: (Sighs) To get back to being cloned, will your clones be allowed to vote for you in the next election, or do they have a choice? 

Mr T: Of course they have a choice. Their one choice is to vote for me – all 30 million of them. Production has been slow, but we aim to have 100 million clones by the end of the year. 

Interviewer: (Gulps) Are you serious? Surely that’s illegal? 

Mr T: Extremely regal! I’m glad you see the true me. I don’t like to boast as you know, but being regal is an important part of my persona. 

Interviewer: (highly irritated) Sir, clones. Clones! We’re talking about you being cloned. Does the world need 100 million more of you?

Mr T: We can never have enough drones. They are an essential part of modern life. They will replace the average working man in a few years and are more cost effective. 

Interviewer: Isn’t that quite a drastic action, Sir? Unemployment is already high. Surely you should be increasing labour opportunities, not decreasing them. 

Mr T: Yes, I agree. Increasing unemployment is essential and I’m very enthusiastic about it. Plastic Factions, my new politico on the go movement is increasing. 

Interviewer: I don’t understand, Sir. Please elucidate. 

Mr T: Hallucinate is my new buzz word. I’m never present. Nor are you. I’m a vision of the new world. Creator of jobs that don’t exist. Housing that’s pie in the sky. Free medical that’s a dream. No taxes. No income. Who needs money? All the usual political-speke used by the few to fool the many. I’m the fool of the people. 

Interviewer: (Smirks). So you believe in creating a fool’s paradise? Is that your ultimate goal? 

Mr T: Control. Control. Control. I want control. The election is mine. Mine! Mine! Mine! (He gets up and stamps his feet. His eyes swivel manically.) 

There can only be one result. For Moi! For Moi! For Moi! Oink! Oink! Interviewer: Sir, are you okay? 

Mr T: Obey! Yes, obey me! Everyone must obey me! 

Interviewer: A few quick-fire questions. Are you a man of your word? Mr T: Of course. I work with the best turds in the country. 

Interviewer: Who’s had the most influence on your life? 

Mr T: Me. 

Interviewer: Who’s your favourite person? 

Mr T: My hairdresser. He’s created this perfect and unique bouffant style for moi. And the colour is just glorious. Don’t you agree? 

The interviewer snorts and wonders how long more this charade will continue. Interviewer: How will you cut CO2 emissions?

Mr T: Simple. By eliminating all road and rail transport and replacing it with zip wires. Also, personal passing of wind will be a criminal offence. A minimum of six months in prison. 

Interviewer: But how will food be delivered? 

Mr T: Let them eat cake. 

Interviewer: And six months in prison for what is a natural occurrence that would be impossible. Our prisons are already overcrowded. 

Mr T: Fifty farters to one small cell will eliminate them and the problem. No-one will dare fart ever again. No-one, I tell you. 

(One of the camera crew emits a loud fart. Mr T’s face boils with anger.) Mr T: What was that? Who was that? 

Interviewer: Calm down, Sir. It was a clap of thunder. 

Mr T: Those rumours are not true. I’ve never had the clap. I will sue every man, woman and child who mutters that word again. 

The interviewer looks pleadingly across the studio at her producer wishing he would scream ‘cut’. He smirks at her and gestures for her to continue. 

Interviewer: Mr T, how do you plan to eliminate world poverty? 

Mr T: Covid. 

Interviewer: Are you for real? Are you serious? 

Mr T: I’m always imperious. It’s my right as the King. I am the only King! Interviewer: Do you pray? 

Mr T : I play every day. Nice ti………s, babe. Nice ti…….s. (His head swivels.) Interviewer: You’re a vile man. 

Mr T: You’re fired!

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