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A BLOG OF LEGS AND LIES AND BEANS

legs

A BLOG OF LEGS AND BEANS

Legs are those yokes (a common word in Ireland) that protrude from the lower half of your body. They are attached to your hips at one end and attached to your feet at the other. They come in a wide variety of sizes and colours: short, long, stumpy, thin and fat, pale, semi pale, black, bronze, and the Irish orange fake tan fluorescent glow. The word leg is a pre-runner (couldn’t resist that one) to many other words.

LEGGY: I’m sadly not the owner of this variety as Capri pants are always far too long for me.

LEGLESS: Generally, means you have been drinking far too much, can’t walk properly, fall down and you should heed the warning in the word and drink LESS. That way you’ll get your leg back.

LEG IT: When someone says this to you run as fast as you can, because there’s either a man-eating lioness behind you or you’ve just been caught shop lifting.

LEGITIMATE: Interesting one. Could mean being intimate with someone’s legs. However, it doesn’t sound like leg. It sounds like Ledge-itimate  and means ‘for real’. My preference is not being intimate with someone’s legs, IL LEG IMATE, as that would make me ill. Actually, I feel sick when I see a beautiful female with gorgeous legs. I was at the end of the queue when they were being handed out and they were only two small pieces left.

PINS: Things you stick in an effigy of someone you dislike. Or you can use them to to pin up the undone trailing hem on your trousers or skirt. It also means legs.  So be grateful if someone tells you have a nice pair of pins.

LEGO: That stuff you tread on, especially when you are barefoot. It comes in different shapes and colours like humans. It makes you swear. It costs an arm and a leg to buy. You buy it for your kids so they can build something, be creative. It makes you lie to your child when they show you what they’ve built. ‘Wow! That’s amazing. You’re so clever.’ Just hope they don’t ask you to guess what they’ve made. But of course, they do.

‘Mummy you know what it is.’

‘Of course, darling.’ (Now the direct questions begin.)

‘Mummy,’ (in a plaintive voice) ‘Do you know what it is?’

‘Yes, darling. It’s amazing.’

‘Mumeeeeeee! WHAT IS IT?’

You are now on the list of psychologists worldwide and on every website re How to be a bad parent.

‘Mumeeeeeee!!!!’

‘Yes, darling. I know what it is, but let’s keep it a secret and ask Daddy.’

‘No, Mumeeeee! I want you to tell me! Tell me! Tell me!’ (note to self. Buy earplugs.)

‘It’s a spaceship, darling.’https://www.google.ie/intl/en/about/products?tab=wh

‘Oh, for fucks sake, Mummy, you’re such a prat. How did I get lumbered with someone so clueless?’ He looks at you with utter disdain and storms off.

Where the hell did my two year learn that kind of language?

HOW TO BE THE LEGITIMATE WORD MASTER

hands

Simply learn 11 letter words beginning with Lego. Why 11? According to numerology the number 11 is has its own vibrational quality and we all want a bit of that, don’t we? Silence. Anyone out there? Okay I’ll try a different tactic. The number 11 is significant spiritually. Does that appeal to you? Silence. I’m panicking here, folks. Come on read this blog. Right, time for a shock tactic. Including the number 11 in your lottery choice will resonate with the highest energy and you will win!

ONE WORD YOU ALWAYS WISH YOU KNEW

Lego-brucke! It’s a word you’ll use frequently, dropping it casually into the conversation as you wine and dine the truly important people in life, who will not only legitimize your business, but also ensure your business plan is legible. They are the influencers, bloggers of great repute.

BEAN THERE. DONE IT.

This blog would not be complete without a wee story. It’s a warning to all would-be entrepreneurs, to all influencers, so take heed.

LEGUME INFLUENCERS

The new buzz word, or words if you want to be nit-picky, is Legume Influencers. Influencers are exactly what it says on the tin. They will explain the legalese of contracts and make you a legend in your own time. Your legume business will thrive and flourish as they encourage more and more people to become vegetarians or as they prefer to say: ‘Legumists.’ You become extremely wealthy and they become the hottest trend-setters, the queens and kings of Leguminosae. That’s the bean family to you illiterati.

POLLUTER NAMED AND SHAMED

Oh dear! You and your Legume Influencers didn’t factor that into your business plan. You are now responsible for climate change and increased global warming. You are blamed for increasing air pollution, pilloried by the press world-wide.

Japanese headlines scream out: OSEN-SHA! German brands you the VERURSACHERIN or VERURSACHER (depending on gender). The Irish Times denounces you naming and shaming you as a TRUAILLITHEOIR. The Cape Times runs an article warning all foodies to avoid your legumes. “Stick to your mealie pap and bunny chow, my bru. King of Boontjies – gatvol and his fans full of kak. Poepol polluter.” And in Windemere, in the UK, The Fart Movement is no longer trending.

PLAN BEAN

beans

You are bankrupt! Legumed on Hasbean Island. No-one wants your legumes. You can’t even give them away. Foraging Freegans bin the beans. So, you come up with Plan Bean. A new influencer enters your life. Full of beans she promotes your charity fundraising scheme. The glitterati are so impressed they welcome you back into the fold, raising your profile from Has Bean to New Bean on the Block.

Mr Bean is used in your adverts. New buzz words are trending. Bean World opens. Legumes become the new cavier. So, what was Plan Bean? Simple. You sent all your excess beans to third world countries to feed the poor. But now entrepreneurs are jumping on the wagon, producing legume crisps, legume delicacies, t-shirts, even bean jewellery. All these businesses are booming. You are inundated with orders for legumes, but you have none left to sell. You can’t fulfill any of those lucrative offers. You are so busted! Blame Brexit.

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Helena

My name is Helena Abrahams and I’m from the West of Ireland, where we currently live. I’ve been married to Richard for almost 40 years and. (Bravery award pending). We have 3 beautiful adult children, 2 sons and a daughter. They are the treasures in my kingdom.

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