What a wonderful world we live in where so many ordinary foods now have fancy names or are pureed so finely you wonder what they are. Jus, or a distillation of the finest suffusion. A drip of something curling with distain around your food screaming – ‘If you don’t know what I am, this restaurant is not for you.’
Twice cooked chunky chips. Basically yesterday’s ‘artisan’ fried chips rescued and revived today as the sun rises and blasted in the microwave before sunset. Oil must be 5 months and 30 days old for added flavour and authenticity.
Menus in restaurants boasting hand-picked fruit or coffee beans, or other edibles to delight our taste-buds, sliced, diced, and grinded and decimated. Seems grand, and yet if you head to California or other farms in the world, vegetables and fruit are rotting as there are not enough workers to hand-pick them.. Perhaps I should show more respect to the dribble of fruit puree surrounding my cake.
BAG IT
What happened when I wasn’t looking. String bag shoppers disappeared and got replaced with plastic bags, or brown paper bags that split the minute you’re out the shop door, when of course it starts raining. Invest in a strong Gucci tote bag, just over E1000, or Versace at E790. You’re worth it! Be known as the Bag Lady whose bag is worth more than the shopping it contains. And if it rains it’s big enough to cover your head. A new fashion beckons – the multi-purpose headbag..
HAVE SOME TEA
AW GO ON WILLYA
Who stole my cup of tea? The ordinary stuff that warms the heart and spirit. No I don’t want nettle, chamomile, ginger or any other ‘this is better for you stuff’. I want a strong cup of tea sweetened with white sugar and a drop of milk.
No I don’t want – Cappuccino, Latte, Macchiato, Americano. What happened to Camp coffee with a dollop of condensed milk?
We don’t own fancy coffee machines in our house that use pods, but when the moon wanes a pod lands in our garden. It’s Richard’s transport back to Planet X where he can be refurbished and polished. My one concern is Mindy might be there. He had a crush on her back in the day. But if they leave Mork with me I’d be quite happy to discuss poetry with him and watch Dead Poets Society. There’ll be no malarkey.
PLUGGED IN
My senses and eyeballs are spinning as gadgetry changes rapidly. My notebook now needs to be plugged in and recharged, including the iPad, the cell phone, and every other electrical appliance I’m surrounded with. Wires hang, trail, and blink at me at night time, daring me to use the gadget they’re attached to to check my Facebook page or Instagram. They whisper ‘see what you’re missing. Check your messages. They might be important. Hey, you have an invite to the White House.’
‘Ya what?’ I mumble. Maybe I should check even one phone just in case it’s an important message. Just one – I promise.
‘Ooh! I do have an invite to the White House.’ I go back to sleep dreaming happily about what I will wear. Spam mail is so seductive but don’t open it. Let the innocence of your sleep and dreams charge you up for a change.
BAG LADY
How many handbags does one need? Surely one is sufficient but….
Are you the Tote carrying kind who spends most of the day searching its depths for your purse, your phone, your keys, your life? You stop so often to rummage that the people walking behind you stumble, but your head is up your …. I mean, in your bag so you’re totally unaware of your surroundings.
The Satchell, (which many of us proudly used for school), is still in vogue, but now has become a designer item with more fancy buckles and straps, you can be assured it’s pretty much dip-into-thief-proof. But… and there’s always a but. The Satchel carrying person holds up the queue at the cash-till while trying to unstrap,unbuckle, unzip all the bag’s compartments looking for a bank card or a purse.
Crossbody bags always get tangled on the buttons of your coat and your scarf. Unless you were carrying a Queen Elizabeth style hand bag, most bags were already cross-body. (Does the Queen carry a handbag?)
Hobo Bag? Is there a new business out there I missed? Are the hobo’s selling bags? I wish. Perhaps a designer somewhere ran out of ideas stuck two pieces of faux-leather together to create the ultimate, over-sized, must-have, bag. The kind that holds the kitchen sink and your granny. Another delay at the cash till while Hobo Bag Lady hunts for her purse..Your other option is to carry a small Balenciaga bag that holds your platinum card, lippy and perfume, and it only costs $2500.
Will shopping bags soon have a built-in shopping list that updates automatically every time you shop? Will it scream when you place sugar laden items in its orifice? Actually, that would be fun especially if you hear other people’s shopping bags yell at them. Interactive shopping could create a whole new social platform.
WET WET WET
In the USA bottled water sales are approximately 429.90 million dollars! Ireland is approximately 35 million euro! The choice of bottled water is mind-boggling. Plain, fizzy, flavoured with just a hint of lemon or lime, or whatever flavour is in fashion. Many are vitamin enriched, empowering you to take over the world and sparkle all day whilst you boast about your water intake.
Pollution free from the Alps, Fiji, UK, Scotland, Limerick. Apparently, our Limerick brand has gone through a journey of 750 years before being captured, bottled and sold. The saying ‘from rags to riches’ can now be ‘from water to riches.’
Ironically, whilst we glug back our shop bought bottles of water, many people in the world either have none, or rely on dirty pools of water.
DO YOU HAVE A SHOWER THAT DRIBBLES?
Sure I know the feeling well. The water sprays reluctantly from an out-dated shower head and unless I twist and shout like Lulu in her hey-day, it wouldn’t wet a thruppenny bit. The only alternative is to go to Vegas, not to gamble, but to indulge in a weekend of water mania and bliss.
When the en-suite has an en-suite, is that utter luxury or just bananas? I kid you not – 2000 plus square feet of Bellagio stylish living in Vegas. Jacuzzi, steam shower and TV in the bathroom in case you miss your Housewives of Orange County programme. His and hers bathrooms, of course. Basically 4 of them with 2 bedrooms although the beds could easily fit a family of ten, and they are so high a ladder would have been welcome. But I assure you it’s a grand way to live.
Staying in one of the Bellagio Suites in Vegas, should be on everybody’s bucket list. It’s a wonderful experience and there will be no arguments about who needs the bathroom first. Go for it!
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